To Have Loved and Lost

April has been giving me lots of headaches. And it’s only what? The fourth of April! But then again, there was awesome activities I did with a pair of best friends and also being featured in Voize.my *LOL* Ouh, happy birthday to my “bro a.k.a guardian-in-a-way” Mr. Beck Zaidan *smiles* May you have abundance of loving from your gymnastic wife :D haha!

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This would be an entry of mine; full with ranting. I really don’t like to be mad, and rarely being angry at people. But these are such times when I just can’t hold it anymore. These are such times that I feel my patience is gone. These are such times when you (the particular person who pisses me off) should step backwards and go. Or hide, or be invisible coz everything that you gonna do now, eventually would annoyed me more.

“I love the way you love,
But I hate the way I’m supposed to love you back…”
Silverchair – Miss You Love

*sigh* or somewhat like that. I hate the way I’m supposed to love you back. I hate it that much I feel like I’m falling out of love. When I said “I love you,” it does NOT mean I am yours. It does NOT mean you have been given a special pass for you to do whatever you like to me. Or giving me orders to wake up early in the morning and go to work early just to have a freaking online chat with you. It does NOT mean you could miscall me at sunrise around 5-6am just to ruin my weekend sleep! Weekends are the only time that I could have it for my own, and you’re ruining it! I don’t tolerate with such matters. Especially when I’m having a long day photo shoot afterwards. *punches you at the face*

Why do I love being single? And why I am single still up till now? Coz I love my freedom. Coz I love myself that much that I don’t bend with commands or orders. Coz I won’t let someone changed me or mold me to somebody I’m NOT. Why should I let them? It’s my freaking life. And I deserve to live my life the way that I wanted it to be. And who are you to tell me not to? Heck, if you think me saying “ I love you” would grant you all the extra bonuses, you are so far wrong, my darlings *smiles* And I am not dedicating this to just one particular person, I will tag everyone that I think should know beforehand who am I and how I would love to be treated.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I love those who helped me along the way. I’m not a stubborn bitch who wouldn’t listen to other people’s opinion. I do; coz it reminds me that there are people out there who care for me, and whichever they have said to me, there are times when I would do likewise if I feel there’s truth from it. I don’t have such ego to tell that I am right all the time. I always admit whenever I am wrong when I feel I AM wrong. I adore friends who guide me in life. The ones that always pull me back whenever I crossed some thin lines between right and wrong. But then again, there are ways to do so. Don’t ever go blabbering on how good you are and how bad I am or telling me I should be like this, not like that sort of thing. Gah!

I don’t understand the fact that people are expected to change whenever they’re in love. I mean, what’s the point of changing into someone else when that’s not the reason why you fall in love with them in the first place? If you want to have someone to love and mold it into the way that you want them to be, GET A FRICKIN DOG! Put them on a leash, teach them few tricks, tell them who’s in charge, coach obedience and hey, both of you could be happy laughing together and end up sleeping in bed smiling. But then, do you want a DOG? Coz if so, then it’s not me that you’ll be looking for.

Everyone got their opinions in everything. Even dumb blondes do! Just that it’s probably gonna be a silly one *ROFL* and if you love me, yes, my opinions does matter and vice versa. Know it, accept it and respect it; as simple as that. I always keep my rules simple. The most would be “KNOW WHERE YOU STAND” – either in life or around someone. Eventually you need to learn this one thing, if you want to adapt with everyone. You can’t treat others the way that it’s not supposed to be. You guys been there right? Having someone who fancies you, and starting to call you up, asking where you are, where have you been, why you haven’t call, why you didn’t text him/her back, this and that… bah! Getting all those typical questions from a person who fancies you? They’re not even your boyfriend to begin with.

And how about the people who keep pushing you to go somewhere together with them just to spend time together. Well, there’s nothing wrong actually. But selling the idea itself over and over again, sending you several text messages till finally you’re going (just to stop them from flooding your cell phone?) is not my ideal way of starting a relationship. I hate people who kept pushing me around, or keep telling me to do something over and over again. I do when I wanted to do and when I choose to do so. I am not a puppet on strings that you can control with your magic fingers; I don’t bend in such ways even if you have a humongous dick. So yeah, whenever you text me and I said I’m busy; it’s either I AM busy or I just want to be left alone. And please, just let it be.

To those who wanted to fall in love with me, or have already is in love with me, I think I have told you guys over and over again. I always have multiple interests. I worship Love so much, I love a lot. *LMAO* Does it make sense? Ha-ha! It means that I could love a few people at one time, and yes, they are rankings on it… That’s how you live your single life, to spread the love all over the nation :P ha-ha! Kidding! There’s obviously nothing wrong with loving someone, right? And you could ask few close friends of mine, when I’m attached – I am FUCKING LOYAL. So don’t think I am like this right now (maybe some might think I’m like a bitchy lil girl with big, sweet set of racks who fucks everyone, well idk what you guys or girls are thinking :P ) - but if you’re my boyfriend, feel free to sneak attack me at my room and you won’t find me sleeping next to another man.

I hate clingy men too. Well, I don’t mind if you wanted attention at times, but not ALL the time! Like I said, I have my own life here. I am not living to entertain ONLY you. Again, who are you to even begin with? My husband? I too can be clingy at some point, but please lah, be considerate *sigh* I am NOT the kind of girl who would reply to every text messages I receive, pick up every call that I got, or go to every invitation I’ve been invited. If you want all that, go find someone who has NO LIFE at all, who thinks they would die by not getting at least one text per hour. *Geez!* And sending several texts afterwards saying “Oh, why am I here? You don’t seem to reply my message, you don’t care for me, you don’t love me anymore” FUCKING HELL! Stop doing that, you dickface! I don’t like cheap dramas. If I want to love you, it’s mainly because I love you… Don’t mix all those up with pity and such. YOU DON’T LOOK CUTE DOING SO!

And if my honesty in everything is killing you, stay away from me. I don’t lie. If you’re asking something, I would answer it truthfully and at times bluntly too. If you can’t handle the truth, go! Run as fast as you could coz I would rather love people to know the real me and like me as I am. And if somehow the way that I am, bothers you, why stay? I hate seeing people suffer themselves for me. Coz I know how a martyr feels like. I am one, myself. You can be a silent martyr type, I don’t mind. But when you started to pull it down on me, and give all sorts of emo texts in the middle of the night, and lying to me about coughing blood just to get my attention, that is just FUCKED UP! I got a freaking cervical cancer and I don’t make a drama out if it! *slaps you thousand times* so, go. Leave me alone. I don’t need to be a freaking “DEPRESSION SHRINE” for you to deify to.

I am NOT cold. I have a heart and I know how to love someone. I know how to pamper someone, to treat them with love, care; I can be a temptress goddess for a day and be a nurturing mother the next day… I can be your ‘everything’ as long as it does not change who I am. But you know; these kinds of things really bother me a lot. Heck, don’t even let me start with the “Jealousy” topic or “You got to choose, either me or him…” I mean, gosh! Seriously, what happens once I choose? I’m still not gonna be your girlfriend YET! I’m sorry but I just need to let it all out. Coz I’m getting nowhere by talking to you.

And if THIS is what you call LOVE, then I shall better by far, NOT TO HAVE LOVE AT ALL *smiles sarcastically*

And I think I’m off to get ready for my photo shoot today :D Toodles, people!

And ouh please, give your opinions :D I love to hear them out! :D