But at the moment, THIS is living!

I like what he does to me. Keeping my mind occupied all the time. Thinking, imagining, and my thoughts lingers everyway that it could. Is this what you called a “mind-stimulating conversation”? Whatever it is, indeed I am happy. Thankful, yeah… That’s the exact word I think.

I was born as a Muslim. Yes, it printed on my identification card – Islam. But who am I actually? How could they put everyone into a religion that is automatically taken from our birth parents? Why can’t we live, learn and choose what we wanted to believe in? Before you begin to curse me in what-so-ever way you could, please stop. I already received a lot of it and I’ve seen at least Chewbacca been shot by few people who thinks “we as mere human, can’t have doubts nor asking or wondering about our own religion.” Err, asking and wanting to know is not wrong at all. So please, let me be me.

It’s been a while I felt that warmth fuzzy feeling when I indulge into spiritual issues. God, good Lord. Yes, Allah. I remember the last time is when I’m studying at Perak after finishing my Maghrib and Isya’ prayers and reading few short Surah afterwards. Asking for His forgiveness, crying and felt asleep on the sajadah – woke up in the middle of the night with tons of miscalls from my roommate who’s involved in an accident and was in hospital. Last week, a day driving in the car, talking about God, the purpose of us living, I don’t know how he does it; somehow a door is opened for me to walk in. Is the “an-Nur” (the Light) finally coming to me? Alhamdulillah if it does. No, I’m not automatically turning into a pious all of the sudden. Just a thank you note to You. He remembers me indeed, still :) And I’m still searching for Him in my life. As for now, I can breathe out and give a warm sigh with a smile and looking things in life as a test from Him. His simple way of reminding us; why are we created in the first place? – To serve Him.

For me, I need to know first in what I believe in or going to believe later on. I don’t want to do something just because others doing it. I need to know why we do it, the real reason, the purpose of it, and NO, don’t say just because it’s in the Five Pillars of Islam and the Six Pillars of Faith so I freaking must do it without any questions asked. Wow, this is quite a long entry. Well, as for right now, there are few issues about my life other than this spiritual thingy. And my problem got worse by today. Called up my doctor, and he said this and that strictly or else… But I don’t wanna talk about it here… Perhaps, later.

All I need right now is a freaking someone to hug me to sleep and lie to me that everything’s gonna be alright when I open my eyes tomorrow.