An Infidelity Journey

Day 9 : A Photo of the Item You Last Purchased

2011-07-06T11:12:00.003+08:00

and this is the last thing that I've bought for myself :D and I'm loving it! :D

Day 8 : A Song That Match Your Mood

2011-06-15T10:34:00.000+08:00

I got a mixture of all sort of feeling yesterday. *sigh*

It's just one of those days lah. Yesterday was somewhat blergh at some point.

Day 7 : Your Dream Wedding

2011-06-13T12:54:00.009+08:00

Oh my! I should be doing this last Friday, but I totally forgotten about it. And this is, one of the questions nowadays I would try to avoid. Coz when I think about it, i get mushy. And it leads me to daydream about it. Gah... But I'll let you guys know this one time. Only a few that knows how I would like my dream wedding to be.

A white wedding dress of course; would still be my 1st choice :) But then again, a simple evening dress too would be excellent to me :D Any color would suit me basically I think, since I got a fair skin. I don't want to have a heavy make up ! Seriously, I can feel sleepy when those makeups bertepek on my face. Same goes with my hair.. just let my big curls do its magic :D

As for the place, I would like it to be a garden wedding. Nothing too fancy, but I do want to perhaps say my wedding vows under a big shady tree :) with ribbons or those little white lights. Just like this one here :)

A pretty hand bouquet of white lilies :)
Yes, white lily (mostly any kind, as long as it's white and it's lily)
is my favorite flower :D

Other things that I want, are (wah, pandai la buat dream wedding) :

AND OBVIOUSLY, A GOOD PHOTOGRAPHER :D

Day 6: A Photo of an Animal You’d Love to Keep as a Pet

2011-06-09T11:35:00.000+08:00

What else? Geez, if you don't know I love snakes; you haven't befriended me long enough :)
But I am missing Damien a lot :( She's very much alive, but she's at TTDI with my bestie; Amie. Haven't got a chance to spend time and go to his house yet...

Day 5 : A Picture of Something You Want to do Before You Die

2011-06-08T14:14:00.001+08:00

There you go! Well, I just googled it actually. It's more like a place I want to go before I die. AMSTERDAM! Yes, you may think of all the decent museums like the Van Gogh Museum, Anne Frank's House etc - but all I'm looking forwards are all SEX oriented places :D from the Sex Museum, walk around lanes of brothels :) strip clubs :D aaaaa~ and sex toy shops :D Lingerie shopping! ISH! mesti BEST LAH! :D

Oh in case you're wondering what exactly the above picture is, it's the Red Light District :D Where all the pleasure is lah :D Aiyaaa thinking of it aja mau mati rasa :)) hahahaha!

Day 4 : Your Favorite Photograph of Your Best Friend

2011-06-07T19:09:00.000+08:00

I am a photographer, and there's thousands of photos I took with everyone and yes that counts for my best friends as well. But if I was to choose which is my favourite; honestly I can't pick one.

At this very moment, I would go for this set of photos of one of my best friends; Miza :) It was taken for their couple's anniversary at Lake Garden, Kuala Lumpur. And it's just wonderful seeing her from high school till working, from single, couple, engaged and married :') Whenever I watch this slideshow, I cried a little. *terharu*

May I'll be there for her future babies, grandchildren and such! :) Enjoy!

Day 3 : Your Idea for Perfect First Date

2011-06-06T13:19:00.004+08:00

I was supposed to do this entry last Saturday, but I was at my hometown and the internet line over there is *&%^$# :D So, I was stuck.

And, whoa... This is one of the questions that I've heard all too many times. Actually, I never imagined something too fancy on the first date. I would even barely let the make-up touches my skin at times. So don’t imagine me shows up with some glamorous dress etc.

First thing – make sure the partner remembers that she/he have a date with me. I don’t want to skipped my dinner and wait for someone who’s not going to be there. Other simple golden rules would be like be there on time, and stop bitching in the car about the traffic. Seriously, you have lived your life for at least 25 years (well, imagining the youngest age that I would be dating), and you’ve been in and out of traffic all the time. Quit nagging along the way, it just spoils the mood. Talk to me instead, or just turn on the radio and we could sing along in the car.

First place to look for is some eating place. If you want to impress me, be ready with a reservation at that particular dining place. But do check with me where you want to eat. FYI, I don’t fancy Korean, Japanese nor Chinese cuisine. Play safe by taking me to any Western, Italian, Arabic restaurants. If you really don’t know what’s good, a simple fast-food joint would do.

Start a good conversation. If somewhat you’re shy, let me know so I can break the ice. I love a man who talks, triggering my mind with smart conversations. SMART not SEX, ok? Ask my friends, women or men both would say that I am open. Even to the weirdest thing I have ever heard. I am weird too sometimes. But, that doesn’t mean that I am comfortable to talk to you; a person that I barely even knows about all these things.

Yes, you can make jokes. But please, don’t pull of some stupid joke or making fun of other people. Don’t brag! Seriously I hate having someone who’s bragging 24/7. If you’re rich, then fine. If you’re poor, that’s fine too. If you’re handsome, charming or even sexy for your own good, keep it to yourself. I know if you’re all that; stop stating the obvious things. Oh yeah! Please avoid wearing your shirt's collar upwards, any big POLO sign on shirt or wear sunglasses in a shopping mall. -_-" memalukan.

Mostly on the first date, I think being able to chat for long hours would have meant that you’ve scored. And I had a good time, good laugh and good food; you’ll be looking forward for the second date ;) Afterwards, either you send me back home, or maybe watch a movie. Never hope for a goodnight kiss or something like that. It doesn’t work.

Don’t text me more than 5 smses after the date. We still have tomorrow.

Day 2 :Your Favorite Movie

2011-06-03T16:03:00.003+08:00

Like sad songs, I love sad movies too *sigh* yeah, I know... I'm SAD :P Wow, to just pick a movie from all the movies I've watched my whole life; that's challenging. I watch almost everything from chick flicks - comedy - drama (which is my fav) - musical - cartoon - animation - EVERYTHING; except for war and fighting movies. I can, but it could bore me easily.

But I think the only movie that really gets into me is Moulin Rouge. Whether I am happy nor sad, I could watch Moulin Rouge over and over again. It's all into one, love, drama, musical, nice graphic (considering the year they produce it), the songs are marvelous! Most importantly, I believe the movie says who I am too. In what I strongly believe in - TRUTH, BEAUTY, FREEDOM & most greatest of all - LOVE. <3 And yes, even for the 100th times I watched it, I would cry.

“We are creatures of the underworld. We can't afford to love!"

What can I say, Cinta terhalang memang favourite saya :D

Day 1 - Your Favourite Song

2011-06-02T16:02:00.003+08:00

I have to say, there's a LOT of songs out there that I love. And most of them are sad songs >.< So, if right now I have to pick a song that is currently my favorite; I have to say Judas by Lady Ga... Eh, wait ! Nope! Still Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri :)

That song is like my MUST have song at Red Box's karaoke list :P And it's one of the songs that I managed to sing (not that well, but basically I can lah!). To those who have never heard it before, here's a video of it taken from Youtube :D

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Ok, that was me singing :P

And oh I digggg her hair! :D

30 THINGS IN 30 DAYS CHALLENGE !

2011-06-01T16:20:00.000+08:00

The entry in which I steal from Fiona :) Just need to write back all the things in my life rather than it goes to waste, into me head and outta my mind *since I'm awfully forgetful*

So I decided to do this challenge! :D 30 things in 30 days of 30 entries continuously in my blog :D Lets hope I could and at the end of the day, you would know me a tad better *grins*

30 THINGS IN 30 DAYS CHALLENGE

day 1 : your favorite song
day 2 : your favorite movie
day 3 : your idea for perfect first date
day 4 : your favorite photograph of your best friend
day 5 : a picture of something you want to do before you die
day 6: a photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet
day 7 : your dream wedding
day 8 : a song that match your mood
day 9 : a photo of the item you last purchased
day 10 : a photo of your favorite place to eat
day 11 : what’s in your make up bag?
day 12 : your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is
day 13 : a picture of your favorite band or artist
day 14 : a tv show that you’re currently addicted to
day 15 : something that you don’t leave the house without
day 16 : a picture of someone who inspires you
day 17 : how you hope your future will be
day 18 : 5 things that irritate ME about opposite/ same sex
day 19 : What makes you different from everyone else?
day 20 : the meaning behind your blog name
day 21 : a photo of something that makes you happy
day 22 : a letter to someone who hurt you recently
day 23 : 15 facts about you
day 24 : a photo of something that means a lot to you
day 25 : who are you ?
day 26 : a photo of somewhere you want to go
day 27 : what kind of person attracts you?
day 28 : in this past month, what have you learn?
day 29 : something that you could never get tired of doing
day 30 : a photograph of yourself today + three good things that happened in the past 30 days.

Thousand and One First Impressions

2011-02-18T07:56:00.000+08:00

And here, naively I thought that people would accept you for who you are. For the good gestures you did, and try to look past all the negativity. Unfortunately I have now learn that people still count for how they look outside that matter.

If you go out, wearing a skimpy outfit, people would judge you as some bad person with a bad influence. While others who wears decently covering themselves with headscarf and “kopiah” would be considered as a good person, a pious one.

Mothers would say, “Sejuk mata mak tengok dia pakai macam tu… Boleh jadi menantu baik tue… Pandai kau pilih…” And how many of you saw their relatives who look pious as fuck but end up arguing about taking care of their elderly parents in law or God forbid; their own parents? How many of you have seen siblings of your mums and dads quarrelling about how the dead parent’s money should be divided on? How many times have you voiced out – “alah, tengok je pakai alim, tudung la apa la, tapi bukan baik sangat pun…” and didn’t the TV and news shows you how a grandfather wearing a “kopiah” who lives in Kelantan raped his grandchild?

I am not here to condemn. I am not here to judge. I am here to write what I think from the things that I have seen. My experiences, has thought me quite enough. And seriously I am tired to please other people all the time. I’ve been judged to be a gold-digger by his own mother for choosing to love his son who’s richer than me. Now I am a woman whose other mother thinks I would give his son a bad influence just by the way I dress. Well, thank you. FYI, your son could just collect all the bad habits even without meeting me.

Yes, I am furiously angry. I know I’m not that good, but I’m not that bad either. Don’t judge others by the way they look because you have no idea what those other girls who wears their headscarf’s do. They have desires, they have pussy and boobs, and they surely can do what people without headscarf would do too. I’ve seen it, and maybe you’ll be surprise too when you finally saw it.

It really pisses me off, people with this kind of mentality. I’m writing this post not to argue about the Islamic law of wearing headscarf or so forth. I’m writing this because I despise those who put others in stereotypes positions. One does what they do because they choose to; named it good or bad. Not all hookers are bad person and not all priests are pious. People are people. Don’t label them.

For The Women – Colored, White; you’re all the same.

2011-02-10T02:14:00.002+08:00

“For Colored Girls”, it made me cry. Nonetheless, even mushy cartoons do that to me. It wasn’t intended for colored women to be precise.

For me, it was for all the women out there. For those who’s waking up in the middle of the night wondering alone. For those who longed to have a perfect family. For others who’s seeking that one thing that is missing in their life. For women who wants to be love; who wants to have another pair of hands catching them whilst they’re falling, to be there to comfort them, to hold them close, watch them sleep, breathing the smell of someone they love – not a nurturing mother nor a respectful father, but a lover, a man.

It tells a few different stories of the women who lives in a neighborhood. There’s a bartender with her sex addiction – sexing up with different, random men every night. A personal assistant who’s living with her drunken boyfriend and raising 2 kids of their own. A graduate high school girl who let herself knocked out by her boy and got pregnant. A successful owner of a fashion magazine married with a closet gay. A nurse having a boyfriend back and forth contemplating himself over her or another woman. A child service worker who’s depressed coz she can’t be pregnant. A dance teacher who finally opens her heart in finding love… and found a stranger.

Throughout the movie, you will be saddened, frustrated and angry with some of those women. For making bad decisions, for giving in too easy, for letting themselves being hurt again and again and for realizing things all too late. You will say out loud in front of your monitor, “don’t take him back,” or “damn!” “fuck, no!”… Oh yeah, you will. But at that very moment; bear in mind this one thing – have you done the same thing they did, one way or the other? I have been in love, and I have been acting foolish at times. I have. I have forgiven others and let myself being hurt. I mostly let others to be happy than putting myself first. Those women will have their stories of life to connect to you.

I would love to tell the whole story to you, but it is better for you guys to watch it by yourself. Maybe you’ll realize what you’ve been looking for this whole time. Possibly it would be a mirror, a reflection of you. Perhaps it would be tones of advices in your life’s journey. I’ll leave you with this poem; in which has a great meaning to it. An excerpt from the movie itself.

* * * * * * *

somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff  
not my poems or a dance i gave up in the street 
but somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff

like a kleptomaniac workin hard
& forgettin while stealin 
this is mine/this aint yr stuff/ now why don’t you put me back
& let me hang out in my own self

somebody almost walked off wit alla my stuff  
& didn’t care enuf to send a note home
sayin  i was late for my solo conversation 
or two sizes to small for my own tacky skirts

what can anybody do wit somethin of no value on a open market
did you getta dime for my things/ hey man/ where are you goin wid alla my stuff/
 to ohh & ahh abt/ daddy

i gotta mainline number  from my own shit
now wontcha put me back/ & let  me play this duet
wit silver ring in my nose/ honest to god/
somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff
& i didnt bring anythin but the kick
& sway of it  the perfect ass for my man
& none of it is theirs  this is mine/ ntozake ‘her own things’
that’s my name  now give me my stuff
i see ya hidin my laugh & how i s it wif my legs open sometimes
to give me  some sunlight/ & there goes my love my toes my chewed  up finger nails/ niggah
wif the curls in yr hair/ mr. louisiana hot link/

i want my stuff back/ my rhytums & my voice/ open my mouth
& let me talk ya  outta/ throwin my shit in the sewar
this is some delicate  leg & whimsical kiss
i gotta have to give to my choice/ without you runnin off wit alla my shit
 now you cant have me less i give me away
& i waz doin all that/ til ya run off on a good thing
who is this you left me wit/ some simple bitch  widda bad attitude

i wants my things/ i want my arm wit the hot iron scar/ & my leg wit the  flea bite
i want my calloused feet & quik language back in my mouth
fried plantains/ pineapple pear juice/  sun-ra & joseph & jules
i want my own things/ how i lived them/ & give me my memories/ how i waz when i waz there
you cant have them or do nothin wit them/

stealin my shit from me/ dont make it yrs/ makes it stolen
 somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/ & i waz standin  there/ lookin at myself
the whole time  & it waznt a spirit took my stuff
waz a man whose  ego walked round like Rodan’s shadow
waz a man faster n my innocence
waz a lover

i made too much  room for
almost run off wit alla my stuff/ & i didnt know i’d give it up so quik
& the one runnin wit it/ don’t know he got it/ & i’m shoutin this is mine
& he dont  know he got it/ my stuff is the anonymous ripped off treasure  of the year/

did you know somebody almost got away wit me/ me in a plastic bag under their arm
me  danglin on a string of personal carelessness
i’m spattered wit  mud & city rain/ & no i didnt get a chance to take a douche/

hey man/ this is not your perogative/ i gotta have me in my  pocket
to get round like a good woman shd/ & make the poem in the pot or the chicken in the dance
what i got to do/ i gotta get my stuff to do it to
why dont ya find yr own things/ & leave this package  of me for my destiny

what ya got to get from me/ i’ll give it to ya/ yeh/ i’ll give it to ya/ round 5:00 in the winter
when the sky is blue-red/ & Dew City is gettin pressed
if it’s really my stuff/ ya gotta give it to me
if ya really want it/ i’m  the only one/ can handle it

-ntozake shange. “For coloured girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf”

The Importance of Being Idle

2011-01-28T11:50:00.000+08:00

Human race; that’s what we’ve been known for centuries. It’s a race here, both you and I in right now. A competition to survive. Being said and done, this race we all lived in, at times changed who we are. Mold us into something we might not even imagine. Some for better, others; loses their grounds.

I love the thought of being an achiever. It’s like having a golden ray of spotlight shines down on you, with you smiling widely; careless of the world’s troubles. Having people acknowledging you on how much progress you’ve done and how they adore what you’ve gained. However, it is always easier to say than to do.

Have you ever tried too hard to be on top, that it hurts you in the end? I have. And at times, when you just sit back and think through about it, there’s nobody pushing you; competing with you. There’s none. Mostly it’s just your heart talking, your insecurities emerging.

Yes, our fragile little hearts; at times could drive us nuts. Having us worried and entertain us with so much doubt. And yes, it’s heartache to carry all those doubt all around you wherever you go. Therefore, being idle is the best solution for all these problems. There’s no use of clueless rampaging; because none of it would bring either one of you smiling.

I need to go back to my old times and learn to be idle. Being idle is super awesome as far as I can remember :D

Life is Simple

2011-01-18T11:29:00.000+08:00

But nobody says it was going to be easy as well. *chuckles*

I really miss writing and flowing all my thoughts here. And yet, knowing that the fact that I barely could write anything at all right now; I just hope that it won’t stop me doing so. Nobody’s would be too eager to read a blog entry which is long when nowadays they would just enjoy browsing through simple, cute and extremely funny cartoon snippets. At least I do.

Then again, I feel like few couple of months my life has been scratched out from my memory. Wait; make it a year or so – just because I don’t write anymore. Well, some of other unfortunate events and moments I did wrote em down either on my tumblr(s) – yup, I got more than just 1 tumblrlog. And I put some on my Notes @Facebook also. I wrote quotes and even poems. Lots of em.

Oh man, this truly SUCKS big time! I really need to brush up everything and be back on track. When I went back browsing thru my archive, I noticed it’s not just about me writing up silly thoughts of mine, or sharing to the whole world bout my personal life. It’s about me knowing myself. It’s about me stating and realizing who I am; who I’ve become.

Sometimes it showed me how fragile a being could be and amazingly how strong they bloomed right after the fall. Not that I am an important person in this lifetime, not that I am a role-model or heck Lady Gaga. But, all these little entries; all these summaries of my life, every tiny-shattered-fragment of them is ME. And I need to keep ME going.

Yes, Life is simple – but nobody says it was going to be easy as well. But it doesn’t stop you from facing and living it. Now, would the glass be half empty or half full after this? *ponders quietly*

They're Backkkk!

2011-01-17T14:17:00.000+08:00

And we shall see, whether I'm here for good or not.
I'll write later.

bye bye blogspot :)

2009-10-16T00:12:00.004+08:00

bella-jack.com is up!

It's a WRAP - Part 2!

2009-07-31T16:30:00.011+08:00

Continued from Part 1...

2nd week of that (13th June 09) Me and my friend, Sham when to Azreek and Fiza’s Wedding Reception somewhere in Puchong :D That was great too :) My first official wedding job and I think I did it well :D Both of the bride and groom said they are satisfied with it – getting a feedback like that does ease my mind. And I wouldn’t have the guts to do it if Sham wasn’t there to support me all the way. Here’s a picture of them that I did for the cover album :D

On the next day (14th June 09), we both went to Baby Zara’s Cukur Jambul Ceremony at Ara Damansara; yet another new experience for me in this field. The family and their hospitality was awesome and we had so many laughs and giggles together. And that’s Baby Zara with her mum and dad :D Great meeting you guys!

3rd week (20th June 09), I went back home to Shah Alam along with Fazrul and my little sis, Yana to attend my friend’s wedding ceremony (Hanie & Judo) at Galeri Shah Alam. My unofficial wedding photography was with them, tagging along wedding with Omar, snap few photos just to know how it feels to take be a Wedding Photographer. And that is where Omar and I got closer at some point. Ecewahh! Well anyway, being a wedding photographer is – EXHAUSTING! Nonetheless, I’m glad to know them and follow their bit-to-bit progress from couple to marriage :) Babies, you guys?

Afterwards, we went to Midvalley to watch Monsters VS Aliens 3D just because Yana wants to and then went to KL Sentral to buy train tickets for Fazrul to go back to Kedah :D

* * * * *

On the 4th week (26th June – 28th June 09), I went to Penang with my friend Sham, Intan, Azlong n such :D and we had lunch at Line Clear :D

I wanted to go around the beach side, but this time around it was on the heart of Penang itself. I and Sham ended walking from Hotel Malaysia – Komtar – Padang Kota Lama.

Let there be light eh, Sham?

Oh and I met AJ of the Backstreet Boys! :D Bwahahahaha!

Oh damn, just have to put those pictures :D and I look thinner hiding behind Sham. Gorgeous weii! Ahaha! At night, while others went partying across the street, me and Sham sits back at the hotel room and watch MJ’s Tribute Concert on TV.

The next day we went to Chowrasta Road for us to buy some preservative fruits? Lol! “jeruk” to bring back home :D well, I didn’t buy anything… Not really a fan of jeruk and such.

That’s what I’ve been doing the whole month of June :D and heck it doesn’t stop there :D ROFL!

It's a WRAP - Part 1!

2009-07-29T08:23:00.039+08:00

"Unthinkable
Me sitting up in the clouds and you are all alone
The time might come around when you’d be moving on
Id turn it all around and try to get back down to my baby girl cant stand
To see nobody kissing, touching her couldn’t take nobody loving you the way
We were what good would heaven be if the angels come for me Id tell them no

Tell the angels no, I don’t wanna leave my baby alone
I don’t want nobody else to hold you
That’s a chance Ill take
Baby I'll stay, heaven can wait” - Heaven Can Wait : Micheal Jackson

It feels like ages that I haven’t been updating my blog.

With all the current events happening in the world; especially the lost of two lovely souls in the entertainment industry (late Micheal Jackson on June 25, 2009 and Yasmin Ahmad, a month right after his); I just don’t have the urge to write anything. Both of them are so close in my heart, both put an impact on me.

Yesterday I read a note dedicated from Mahesh (Talentime main actor) to Mak (as what he would call Yasmin). Didn’t expect how I started my day, but it shed me tears reading such beautiful words. Somewhat I feel content reading the note. I ended commented on the note in the morning and talked with him thru YM about Yasmin in the evening when he’s online. Here’s the excerpt of my comments to his note:

* * * * *

We start off with my two days holiday at Cameron Highland. I went there with my family, except for my bro who couldn’t make it since he’s working and got weekend classes at his college. We went there on 30th May 09 and arrive around noon.I would like having thoughts of living there. The coldness – completes me. Ha-ha!Over there, we met my friend, newly married couple; Cekelet and her hubby.So the next day, we went to the BOH Plantation together and snaps few photos :D It’s great when you go to places and have extra photographer on site. *grins* Damn! There’s a LOT of pictures I swear to God! Up till now I haven’t touch the whole folder yet for editing XD Here’s some of it :P

* * * * *

Last month, Jun 2009 – 1st week (6th - 8th June 09)I went to Terengganu for a wee-bit of squid-hunting (candat Sotong) sponsored by my office. Yeah, you can say it as our little EESB Family Day. “It was awesome and I like!” <--- typical review by a forgetful person as Moi :P I manage to caught around 7-9 ancestors of squids. They’re super freaking huge, man! Like seriously… well I might be exaggerating it, but I got pictures to prove it! :D

Aha! While having our company’s family day, one of my engineer, Azhari decided to do a mini outdoor photoshoot together with his wifey, Hafie :D

Honestly I love hearing Azhari’s “love story” on how they both met and such. Now they have three lovely daughters and happily married still :) Hopefully this would last forever. *smiles*

* * * * *

to be continued...

Constant Surprises

2009-05-15T10:48:00.012+08:00

Yes, yes I know... I haven't been updating my blog for quite a while..

Was busy with clients and such.. BUT, here's for your viewing pleasure!

Thanks to Fadlisham (a very talented photographer, fun to be with and very random) and Yana (my lil sis)to help me with my outdoor photoshoot with this lovely couple :D

Youtube Version - See Original Version thru HQ (high quality)

Or on Blogger to those people whose office are blocking YouTube :P

can i use this reason for my un-update blog this few weeks?

LOL! enjoy! :D

To Have Loved and Lost

2009-04-04T09:20:00.006+08:00

April has been giving me lots of headaches. And it’s only what? The fourth of April! But then again, there was awesome activities I did with a pair of best friends and also being featured in Voize.my *LOL* Ouh, happy birthday to my “bro a.k.a guardian-in-a-way” Mr. Beck Zaidan *smiles* May you have abundance of loving from your gymnastic wife :D haha!

* * * * *

This would be an entry of mine; full with ranting. I really don’t like to be mad, and rarely being angry at people. But these are such times when I just can’t hold it anymore. These are such times that I feel my patience is gone. These are such times when you (the particular person who pisses me off) should step backwards and go. Or hide, or be invisible coz everything that you gonna do now, eventually would annoyed me more.

“I love the way you love,
But I hate the way I’m supposed to love you back…”
Silverchair – Miss You Love

*sigh* or somewhat like that. I hate the way I’m supposed to love you back. I hate it that much I feel like I’m falling out of love. When I said “I love you,” it does NOT mean I am yours. It does NOT mean you have been given a special pass for you to do whatever you like to me. Or giving me orders to wake up early in the morning and go to work early just to have a freaking online chat with you. It does NOT mean you could miscall me at sunrise around 5-6am just to ruin my weekend sleep! Weekends are the only time that I could have it for my own, and you’re ruining it! I don’t tolerate with such matters. Especially when I’m having a long day photo shoot afterwards. *punches you at the face*

Why do I love being single? And why I am single still up till now? Coz I love my freedom. Coz I love myself that much that I don’t bend with commands or orders. Coz I won’t let someone changed me or mold me to somebody I’m NOT. Why should I let them? It’s my freaking life. And I deserve to live my life the way that I wanted it to be. And who are you to tell me not to? Heck, if you think me saying “ I love you” would grant you all the extra bonuses, you are so far wrong, my darlings *smiles* And I am not dedicating this to just one particular person, I will tag everyone that I think should know beforehand who am I and how I would love to be treated.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I love those who helped me along the way. I’m not a stubborn bitch who wouldn’t listen to other people’s opinion. I do; coz it reminds me that there are people out there who care for me, and whichever they have said to me, there are times when I would do likewise if I feel there’s truth from it. I don’t have such ego to tell that I am right all the time. I always admit whenever I am wrong when I feel I AM wrong. I adore friends who guide me in life. The ones that always pull me back whenever I crossed some thin lines between right and wrong. But then again, there are ways to do so. Don’t ever go blabbering on how good you are and how bad I am or telling me I should be like this, not like that sort of thing. Gah!

I don’t understand the fact that people are expected to change whenever they’re in love. I mean, what’s the point of changing into someone else when that’s not the reason why you fall in love with them in the first place? If you want to have someone to love and mold it into the way that you want them to be, GET A FRICKIN DOG! Put them on a leash, teach them few tricks, tell them who’s in charge, coach obedience and hey, both of you could be happy laughing together and end up sleeping in bed smiling. But then, do you want a DOG? Coz if so, then it’s not me that you’ll be looking for.

Everyone got their opinions in everything. Even dumb blondes do! Just that it’s probably gonna be a silly one *ROFL* and if you love me, yes, my opinions does matter and vice versa. Know it, accept it and respect it; as simple as that. I always keep my rules simple. The most would be “KNOW WHERE YOU STAND” – either in life or around someone. Eventually you need to learn this one thing, if you want to adapt with everyone. You can’t treat others the way that it’s not supposed to be. You guys been there right? Having someone who fancies you, and starting to call you up, asking where you are, where have you been, why you haven’t call, why you didn’t text him/her back, this and that… bah! Getting all those typical questions from a person who fancies you? They’re not even your boyfriend to begin with.

And how about the people who keep pushing you to go somewhere together with them just to spend time together. Well, there’s nothing wrong actually. But selling the idea itself over and over again, sending you several text messages till finally you’re going (just to stop them from flooding your cell phone?) is not my ideal way of starting a relationship. I hate people who kept pushing me around, or keep telling me to do something over and over again. I do when I wanted to do and when I choose to do so. I am not a puppet on strings that you can control with your magic fingers; I don’t bend in such ways even if you have a humongous dick. So yeah, whenever you text me and I said I’m busy; it’s either I AM busy or I just want to be left alone. And please, just let it be.

To those who wanted to fall in love with me, or have already is in love with me, I think I have told you guys over and over again. I always have multiple interests. I worship Love so much, I love a lot. *LMAO* Does it make sense? Ha-ha! It means that I could love a few people at one time, and yes, they are rankings on it… That’s how you live your single life, to spread the love all over the nation :P ha-ha! Kidding! There’s obviously nothing wrong with loving someone, right? And you could ask few close friends of mine, when I’m attached – I am FUCKING LOYAL. So don’t think I am like this right now (maybe some might think I’m like a bitchy lil girl with big, sweet set of racks who fucks everyone, well idk what you guys or girls are thinking :P ) - but if you’re my boyfriend, feel free to sneak attack me at my room and you won’t find me sleeping next to another man.

I hate clingy men too. Well, I don’t mind if you wanted attention at times, but not ALL the time! Like I said, I have my own life here. I am not living to entertain ONLY you. Again, who are you to even begin with? My husband? I too can be clingy at some point, but please lah, be considerate *sigh* I am NOT the kind of girl who would reply to every text messages I receive, pick up every call that I got, or go to every invitation I’ve been invited. If you want all that, go find someone who has NO LIFE at all, who thinks they would die by not getting at least one text per hour. *Geez!* And sending several texts afterwards saying “Oh, why am I here? You don’t seem to reply my message, you don’t care for me, you don’t love me anymore” FUCKING HELL! Stop doing that, you dickface! I don’t like cheap dramas. If I want to love you, it’s mainly because I love you… Don’t mix all those up with pity and such. YOU DON’T LOOK CUTE DOING SO!

And if my honesty in everything is killing you, stay away from me. I don’t lie. If you’re asking something, I would answer it truthfully and at times bluntly too. If you can’t handle the truth, go! Run as fast as you could coz I would rather love people to know the real me and like me as I am. And if somehow the way that I am, bothers you, why stay? I hate seeing people suffer themselves for me. Coz I know how a martyr feels like. I am one, myself. You can be a silent martyr type, I don’t mind. But when you started to pull it down on me, and give all sorts of emo texts in the middle of the night, and lying to me about coughing blood just to get my attention, that is just FUCKED UP! I got a freaking cervical cancer and I don’t make a drama out if it! *slaps you thousand times* so, go. Leave me alone. I don’t need to be a freaking “DEPRESSION SHRINE” for you to deify to.

I am NOT cold. I have a heart and I know how to love someone. I know how to pamper someone, to treat them with love, care; I can be a temptress goddess for a day and be a nurturing mother the next day… I can be your ‘everything’ as long as it does not change who I am. But you know; these kinds of things really bother me a lot. Heck, don’t even let me start with the “Jealousy” topic or “You got to choose, either me or him…” I mean, gosh! Seriously, what happens once I choose? I’m still not gonna be your girlfriend YET! I’m sorry but I just need to let it all out. Coz I’m getting nowhere by talking to you.

And if THIS is what you call LOVE, then I shall better by far, NOT TO HAVE LOVE AT ALL *smiles sarcastically*

And I think I’m off to get ready for my photo shoot today :D Toodles, people!

And ouh please, give your opinions :D I love to hear them out! :D

A Lot Like Love

2009-02-18T13:26:00.005+08:00

Hey ho! And it’s been a while I didn’t have any updates except for constant tagging entries in Facebook. Let’s see what’s new… I guess nothing much, honestly. Just a new, cute, gay-looking housemate named Scott who’s from Tennessee. *nods* he’s cute alright! Ha-ha and I got problem handling myself around him… But I think I’ll manage *wink*

And to those people who have been asking did I slept with him yet, the answer would be NO. LOL, and there’s nothing wrong with me or him. Bahaha! How funny few of my close friends would expect me to do something with him, since I got such a reputation in raping men? ROFL! Somehow, deep inside; having Scott here makes me missed Matthew a lot. And he’s been working like a dog, got tired when he’s back home, too many things to be settled… Well, that’s LIFE.

Ouh, life has been such a headache these few weeks. Somewhat, feels like I’m drowning with all my past feelings towards my bestie. Not that ‘I still want him’ feeling, but I do care about him. And this newly-arise problem seems to have quite an impact on me. I could write it down, just for the sake of letting it go. I always do that whenever I feel the burden’s too hard for me to handle. But, this time around, I can’t. But I thanked to those few people who’s been listening to my problem. And to Scott who throws Spongebob for me to hug instead of him himself. Enough about pathetically-sad stories, lets talk about the new Monkey in town *winks*

Ha-ha! So, he is Scott Neverdusky. My girls been waiting for me to spill everything I know about this young man. He’s a year older than me, so yeah… He’s average *cough* Asian height. ROFL! (Yup, he’s short). He’s a few inches taller than me, thin, has baby muscles and tries to build em more. He’s freaking talkative, and I like it. He tells me all kind of information and all his opinions about almost everything?

I just wish I could reply to him verbally as fast as I type all these words out from my keyboard. Yes, I barely can speak English. It scares me at times just to think that he would be awesomely bored of me not replying to whatever he says (and I think he IS bored coz of that, lmao!). He hates everything about French, from the language, to the people and even Paris itself. NEVER said Americans and Europeans are the same, it’s an insult to him. I can’t remember any opinions that he told me is contradicted to my way of thinking YET. So yeah, it’s all good… and we can both laugh it out loud. Finally, someone that I can bugged the whole day. Or is it the other way around… hmmm… O_o

So to the girls who are interested on him, you can send your resume to me via my email, or even straightly to his Facebook account. Just search for ‘Scott Neverdusky’ and you’ll see a poyo picture of him and his baby muscles. Make sure that you’re not taller than him. It’s a turn off. And make sure you not someone who needs to be spoiled constantly, it’s a turn off too. And acting like a princess, or have that arrogant ‘hey-am-the-hottest-chick-alive’ or being plain snobbish won’t help too (Ha-ha, monkey boy! How’s that for a helping hand?).

Hurm… Actually I have a lot of things to write today, but I think I’ll write em down later when I feel like it. Right now, I just wanna take things lightly. Oh I decided this year, I won’t be dwelling into any serious relationship, I won’t be somebody’s girlfriend; I’ll be just a friend. Coz I’m tired of all the crap people been giving me in return. Oh monkey boy, say I’m right...? *smiles* We can’t be too good, can we? Good people always loses with the jerks and bitches.

25 Fun Facts of Bella

2009-02-02T03:28:00.005+08:00

And so, I’ve been tagged – over and over again XD This time it’s from si Tomatogirl; Hazlin, Weeta Bebeks and Azlan! Both of them are tagging me with the tag; which is to spill few facts and information about myself. Honestly, I really can’t think of anything much! *ROFL*

Here it goes, 25 FUN, WEIRD & WACKY FACTS ABOUT BELLA :D

1. I am not straight. YES, you heard me. I am not straight (as for my sexual orientation). No questions shall be entertained for this matter, thank you.

2. My first criminal crush would be The Joker from the old Batman movie, starring Jack Nicholson. I dreamt of becoming her girlfriend, sitting in front of a fireplace waiting for my love to get home after all the steeling he made :D

3. 97% of time whenever I’m at home; I am NAKED. I love being naked and I love myself very much. And I sleep naked too. Ahaha! NO, when people here with me, I wore something, of course.

4. I never bought myself a real normal-what-people-used-to-buy teddy bear. I think they’re boring? LOL! The only soft toys that I bought for myself are 3 teddy bears – apple green, purple and yellow ROFL! And my lovely Ewey; a cute sheep :D

5. I got more boy friends than girls. Coz girls are too talkative and they got too much drama even since kindergarden. Remember back then when the girls are like “If you’re my friend, don’t be friends with B…” that sort of thing… “… if you do, then I don’t want to be friends with you too… so does ALL my friends!” >.> yeah, r i g h t (copyrighted by maviceplaytoy).

6. I was a tomboy since Standard 2 till Form 1. I look kinda like Kajol type of tomboy-ish in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai when I was in Form 1. Then I started to fall in love and realize boys don’t fall for girls like that. Hence, slowly I changed my look. LOL!

7. Because of the ‘greatness’ of my super awesomeness boobies, I got a nickname when I was in high school. What else? PAMELA ANDERSON *LMAO* And they wanted to submit a class layout thingy with that name for out 5IK3’s page in school mag, but they ask us to change it back to something else. So? What do you get? – PAMELO ERICSSON gahahahaha!!

8. I’ve been to few stages of styles?; in order:
- Tomboy-ish
- Goth girl-ish (and I do wear black lipstick to go out… I think I look like that Blair Witch girl)
- Hiphop-ish (my wall are full with Eminem, Tupac, Too Phat posters, etc and I can even rap)
- From there on, I became a normal girl :P hahah! Normal but weird, people say XD guess I’m not as normal as a normal person should be?

9. I used to be depressed. Sometimes I am too now *LOL* I would cry then there’s another two of me talking in the mirror. One - full with hatred; very angry, bold, giving me advises and very brave. While the other one is very nice and loving and always calms me down. And yes, when I talked to myself in the mirror, the faces changed. Cry – angry – then – calm – cry back and it goes on and on. They haven’t come out lately… Last time would be when I was depressed on Riq (a guy, few people would know), and my other ex (Azmir), while talking to me on the phone, he talks to with the ‘bold’ one. And yes, he did say we even sounded different… Scary eh? ROFL! “Run, Forrest! Ruuuuuunnnn…”

10. I tend to fell in love very fast. But when I fall in love with someone, I fall hard. I would usually stick with them till the point I think there’s nothing more I can do to save the relationship if it’s not working. And yes, we are the martyr right, darling? *winks at maviceplaytoy*

11. I’m not a party animal; you won’t see me at a club; drinking, smoking and partying. But I do play and not good at it. Bahaha! I would sit there at my table, drinking mocktails, eating too, at times while listening to live band performances. Right now, Borneo Rainforest; enjoying Hydra :D

12. As few as my friends, I honestly can’t ride a bicycle too since I was small. *sigh*

13. I’m into astrology, palm reading (well, I tried to) and tarot card… Ouh! How I wish I got an Ouija board for myself XD

14. I think Freddie Kruger turns me on, a lot. So does Chucky, eventually XD (Forgive me, Father for I have sinned). I got other weird fantasies too as well… Monster with tentacles is one of it *ROFL*

15. I don’t follow trends. From fashion, songs, gadgets, etc. I don’t at all. I buy and like what I like because of the thing itself.

16. I don’t shop. I got countable things as a lady. I got few sandals, 2-3 bags and I won’t change it unless it can’t be used anymore.

17. I spend most of my money on food, books, DVD and cinema. But most of it, I would say – FOOD! Hey, a lady has got to eat :P

18. Me and my bestie owns a pet snake named Damien. Now I wanted a puppy XD but they’re too freaking expensive! Bah! How bout a monkey instead?

19. I can’t drink anything with lime in it. I will wake up having a sore throat and fever the next day. Weird, right?

20. I got a medical checkup in June. Hopefully the cells don’t reproduce its way through. If not, I might have cervical cancer – which is sooo not cool XD I know I can be a cool mum. And I want to be one *sigh*

21. In case you didn’t know me, I love taking pictures? And most of my pictures have this sad, melancholic, lonely theme. Hahaha! Talking bout a picture is a window to one’s soul XD

22. When I was small, I wanted to be Storm of X-Man since I love rain, storm and dark clouds very much. I also dreamt about being Lois Lane. And yes, for all time – Superman would forever be my hero :D

23. I weighted 75kg, 157cm tall. (ROFL! Such a fact I wouldn’t mind sharing haha!)

24. The longest relationship I’ve been with someone is for 3 years. The longest time I have love a particular person would be 6 years. And right now, I love someone. Aww! FYI, I am happy right now for him not leaving *smiles*

25. I’m a loner. I easily get irritated by people who won’t stop bugging me all the time. At that point, I might even disappear for a while, not picking up calls, not replying smses. But I think it’s gonna be hard WHEN I LOVE SOMEONE. I would be the one who will keep on bugging him, LMAO!

Woot woot and I’m tagging you guys next (see my facebook) since I do wanna know more about you, ya :D

*Hugs*

Meme Me smiles

2009-01-19T11:56:00.008+08:00

YAY! I felt a wee-bit cheerful today, so I might be doing some tagging :D It’s not somewhat difficult at all… Simple questions with random pictures from Flickr! So yeah, let’s start now!

The Questions:

1. What is your nickname : Bella
2. What is your favorite food : Nando’s
3. What high school did you go to : SMKS9
4. What is your favorite color : Brown
5. Who is your celebrity crush : Pharrell Williams
6. Favorite drink : Iced Tea
7. Dream vacation : Seeing Stars
8. Favorite dessert : Chocolate Mud pie
9. What you want to be when you grow up : Never-ending Lover
10. What do you love most in life : Myself
11. One Word to describe you : Indecisive
12. Your Flickr/Facebook/Myspace name : sisterofheaven

If you'd like to do it too here's what you do:
- Open three windows.
- One with the list of questions, another open to Flickr and ready to do an image search, and a third to Big Huge Labs' Mosaic Maker (create a mosaic with 4 columns and 3 rows).
- Answer the first question, put your answer in the search field on Flickr and choose one of the images from the first page to represent your answer.
- Click on the photo then copy and paste the url into the #1 spot on the Mosaic Maker.
- Do that for all 12 questions, then click create and post the results to your blog!

AND I WANNA TAG

ALL THE SOULFUL PPL IN MY LISTING!

BAHAHAHA!!

Deeper Conversation

2009-01-16T05:28:00.004+08:00

What have I been doing the last few days back? Thanks to Cik Sunshine, I’m able to enjoy great stocks of melancholic songs *wink* and as Love comes knocking at my door, all those mixed-up feelings flows in and out again. It feels like a well-capped glass bottle in the middle of an endless sea. Being pushed down by the waves and pulled up by the gravity.

I kept on listening to Yuna (thanks to Fiona for putting a link to download), and also Kokokaina (introduced to me by Cik Sunshine). Somehow, they remind me of Eisley too at times. It fun to know that we have these talents among our Malaysians *smiles* Ok, so last week I went to Youth ’09 at PWTC on Sunday. It was FUN :D and disappointing at certain levels.

The plan of the day was to go there for a while and find Yuna’s EP, see a dear friend who I’ve missed so much *winks at maviceplaytoy*, snap a few pictures then go to Midvalley and watch movies. Eventually when I got there (with Najmi, my Facebook friend), the place wasn’t as crowded as I imagined. Hence, I decided to stay longer :D Najmi was happy *LOL* And so, the journey begins. Saw the UOX booth and started searching for a single shiny bald head for me to poke his tummy. After going around the booth saw him getting started with Guitar Heroes? *Tapping his arm and he turns around* YAY! And what a big big hug I got! Few pats on the head too *smiles* thanks for that, darl… You know how much I need all that XD Snappy few pictures of him and move on to see other things.

There’s the Battle of the Bands – which few of the bands were awesome. Coolies, the bands were singing Damien Rice song, Phantom of the Opera and… Erm, well I’m not a big fan of loud, rock music… those are the two songs that I have heard of. Ouh! I saw High Voltage? Then I saw Bubu as the drummer… and finally I saw Sheena snapping pictures at the other side of the stage. *LOL* After that, went upstairs and ate Twisties Lurve thingy… I love it, of course. There’s not much a thing going on up there, so we went back down to the main hall.

Mingling with the snakes at Rakan Muda booth :D Now, THAT’S FUN! Pythons, mangrove snakes all around me… Ah! How I wish Damien would grow as big as them XD Collected few freebies at Don’t Panic! booth. Went to the Street Dance Workshop to see the cute nerdy Chinese girls and boys dancing and jingling their buttocks ;) OUX baldy did drop by for a while he’s having his lunch break to meet me there. We chatted and teased about little stuff while enjoying all the swinging butts in front of us. Around 2.30 pm, he went back to his booth, whilst I and Najmi continue watching the Street Dance competition till 4-ish. That’s when my “boolat” tummy starts grr-rum-bell-ling!

So I texted my boyfriend,*cough* asking where he is. He said he’s here (finally), so I wanted to see him first before going anywhere else. Met him at the entrance door and talked for a while. Saw Hellmy too. Baldy saw me there and I called him to meet my boy (wah, can I say baldy all the time? It really sounded cute for you lah, darl… Not on any grounds to ejek you ok… You kan memang comel… haha! And you know I never call you by your name kan kan :P ) – and yes, I remembered my face when I called you to come over x_x *ROFL* Talky a bit bout him wanting to do that ‘look-I’m-standing-on-my-head-everywhere-I-go’ signature picture after we all comes back after late lunch.

Thankies lah Najmi for the Pizza-Hut… Lalala! Ouh and if you guys are eating at Pizza Hut, The Mall, do look for Budin :D he’s awesome! Hahaha! After burping and such, went back to PWTC and meet Wani, Baim, Jasmine and others at LomoWall :) Got huggies and kissies from Wani and Jasmine, when Najmi courage himself to go and talk to Yuna, Double-YAY! Najmi got himself Yuna’s EP and autographed by the lady herself :D Lepaking at Open Mic section to see up till Wani’s performance. Somewhere at that point, I felt like crying XD ahh! Shiessh!

Without saying goodbye (for reasons that I won’t share here in my blog), me and Najmi went straight to see Love Me Butch performing at Hall 2. Swarming myself with all those people and sounds to kill the pain inside, hell – IT DOES NOT WORK! And Love Me Butch lyrics doesn’t help either XD haha! My savior, si Baldy came to the rescue. I don’t think with him I need to tell everything… he just knows *smiles and pats my head*

Yuna’s performance was awesome and she sounded better performing live! Bunkface was great too XD All and all, the even t was great :D Ouh, and thankies again for sending me home, ya darl *smiles* seriously I don’t know what to do lah =.= for all the pictures you can go to my Facebook photos – Youth 2009 album :D

And ouh! Matthew said that he would manage to pull some few strings and perhaps bought a ticket few years later to come here and visit me! *wishful thinking*

p/s : when could we finally have a deeper conversation, love?

Alfie : "See, compliments when least expected"

2009-01-03T11:57:00.012+08:00

Sweet talking, compliments, everybody loves it. Man, woman have been using it since God knows when to innocently expressing what they feel or even to flirt and lure whoever they want. It made you blush, smiles, and most importantly that warm fuzzy feeling that fills your heart. Made you feel better, feel loved, made you feel you’re somewhat important and it’s good to be living. ROFL! Yeah, that sounded a tad overly dramatic *chuckles*

I’m one of those people who hate compliments. I remembered at the old days, I would reply each and every compliments with an “Eleehhh…”. A gesture of saying “yeah, right LOL”. And then, one of the things I learned in my study years, “Always say thanks when people complimenting you”. Hence, then forward, I did. Though there are times that I still use the old gesture whenever I feel that the compliments are too big for me; or whenever I feel that I’m not worthy of it.

Most of my friends who knows me pretty well would say I’m too modest for my own good. I guess in a way, it IS a bad thing indeed. Somehow other people perception of me would be that I am lacking of confidence. Heck, I don’t know. That’s just me, I guess.

And like SOME who knows, I’m a big sucker for most proper English conversations. Yeah, I know I’m not that good with English, but it doesn’t hurt to be drooling for one *winks* I easily fall for someone who speaks proper English, who corrects my grammar and who uses words that makes me Googling for its meaning. Therefore, any stupid perverted man who flirts with me in Malay, would unfortunately be neglected. Chit-chattering with no valid points with silly low-graded jokes too would be neglected. Ah! Talking about jokes, that reminds me of Russell Peters. You guys should REALLY REALLY Google him up :D and watch his videos! Now, THAT’s FUN! Talking all the time how big is my breast or how perfect it would be if it’s in your squeezing-reach is a SELF-KICKING-YOU-AWAY from moi. *LOL* babytalks, too much of abbreviations are such a turn off too.

Haha! Ok, what the heck am I gibberish-ing about right now exactly? Let me stop myself right now before I go more into poetry and sonnets, Shakespeare, Tennyson or Christina Rossetti x_x
Oh, by the way, how is your New Year’s celebration? Me, like always; sitting at home doing nothing. I’m not a big fan of crowded places and being suffocated with too many happiness and joy. Huahuahua! I tend to feel oh-so lonely! Melancholic, melancholic, lalala~

*****

“No darling, you’re lovely
In fact you’re a man’s dream and fantasy rolled into one
You’re beautiful and smart, you’re sexy to boot, your smile melts hearts

And you're all woman
You love your man and you'd do anything for him

You’re a romantic
And you fill everyone’s heart with hope and wonder
You’re sugar and spice and everything nice”

- A lovely friend said it to me few days back. How it makes me smiles a lot. Thank you, darling. It means a lot to me. No flirty, sweet talking… A naked compliment when LEAST expected *smiles*

*****

I am worried still bout my HUKM result. Gonna have my appointment on the 7th. And I need to find a new place to stay. I’m thinking about renting my own house. We’ll see how far that would go, yes? My housemate finally being such a pain in the ass… Who’s volunteering to help me move out? *ROFL*

And out of all those mess, I love my life right now. I got all my lovely friends who cares and love me, I got no enemies; as far as I could think of – even those who involves with me the last time became good friends afterwards. And I’m with someone who loves me and believe it or not, it grows deeper each time *blushes* (well, on my side... idk bout him LOL!)

Still learning about him though :)

The Soulful

2009-01-01T12:00:00.012+08:00

And as time passes by, I met these great peoples that I simply adore :

The Irresistable Chaos

WonderArtCreativ Fashion • Chantek Teemor • Nabil Zamanhuri • N*E*R*D • Mangosteenskin • Poulili • Molly • Hidayah Admar • IcedNyior's Eats • Raja Petra • RIP Yasmin Ahmad • RIP Superheroes • Filtration of Ideas! • Releaselog!

Two, Double O and a Nine :D

2009-01-01T09:17:00.004+08:00

And Happy New Year 2009 to everyone *smiles* !

Holiday started early for me, and my office has been closed from Christmas up till 4th January 2009. Hence, the non-updating blog. SORRY! Like last year, lets recap my last year resolutions to see whether or not I did achieved those things I’ve aimed for :D

· To be HAPPY and getting rid off any sorts of elements that makes me UNHAPPY, and yes, this implied to HUMAN as well.
– YES :D and finally I’m learning to say “no” when I don’t want to :)

· To be a tad optimistic about myself. And bear in mind that people are not perfect. And it’s not MY FAULT things happen that way. Well, not ALWAYS.
– YES :D there are times that I kinda goes back to my ‘melancholic’ self, but all and all I do think I’ve been a tad more optimistic and go for whatever I want and not holding myself ;)

· To be freaking REALISTIC about life. I know the fact of real life, but I tend to dream more than that. And in the end, I would be the one who’s shattered into pieces. Yes, LESS WISHIN and HOPIN’.
– YES :D I don’t think I need to write down about this one to the world. But yes, there are things that had happened and pull me away from the ground. But I’m able to stick myself back to the ground and accept things in life and know where I stand.

· Being in love is hard, so yeah, I think I better start all over again. Men, Women, I am SINGLE and AVAILABLE physically (mentally, perhaps would take time). So yeah, DATE me! LOL!!
– YES :D I did go for a few dates, there are some that I enjoyed going out with and some that are irresistibly annoying! FYI, I’m no longer single and available ;) *ROFL*

· Work harder and get more organized. Really need these things done! And at the end of this year, I’m gonna ask my boss for a raise!
– YES :D I did get a raise of RM500 more :D woot woot!

· Always learn to clean up my room and do laundry more often. Gussy up myself more, coz I never know what the day would lead us to. *GRIN* (getting the hang of optimistic I guess).
– YES, NO, and YES :P Cleaning up my room, yes :) Laundry… not really doing it, just send them out to the cleaners. While gussy up myself is a hell yeah! Eh, wait… IDK! Did I?

· Learn more new things about PHOTOGRAPHY, PHOTOSHOPPING, plus DRAWING; and make use of the things that I bought CAMERA, LENS (thanks, Teddy), COLOUR PENCILS, DRAWING BLOCKS.
– YES :D there’s the first birthday party that I took the job for and get paid, picture being sold, there’s the KINKED photoshoot, Ted’s Lighting Workshop, got to know more friends on the photography line, went to few awesome places and snap pictures, thanks to those people who involved directly and indirectly :D

· READ all the books that I bought!!!! And I got 10 of them not read!
- YES x_x Well, I did read few of the books that I’ve bought… and I’ve bought myself another few more :P

· WATCH all the DVD’s that I bought too!! Gosh, you don’t want me to name all of them! Too many!
– YES :D Finally I’ve watched all soo many DVD’s that I’ve bought and like the books, I bought a few more too again :P

· SETTLING debts! Yes, got few of them… sorry you guys. I’m trying here!
– Would you just be such a doll and let me take the money and be happy about it? *ROFL* j/k! I’ll try, ok :) and to that one person, I really am annoyed right now at you! When are you gonna pay my money back? Sheish! And not returning my text message. Damn you *grr*

· MANAGE a better financial account for myself! I want to prove to my bestie that I can do this!
- HAHAHAHA! NOOOOOOOO!

And yes, thru all the hard work, camera-whoring, dating, I still am BELLA; and in LOVE with MYSELF. And still remembers who I really am, where I start off and people that help me along the way *smiles*

Now, for the New Year’s Resolutions :D Much, much more simpler version since I don’t think I have to convince myself with anything or pushing myself too hard this time around :D

· Being BELLA :D
· Be HAPPY
· Maintaining my weight? LOL!
· Buy a speedlight (right now I’m thinking of Nissin ajalah!)
· Go with a photography business (gah! Do I really need to start off with weddings?)
· Go to a holiday getaway :D with my love? Yes?
· Finally taking driving lessons?
· More photoshoot! More models! More ideas :D
· Smile and smile more and more

Ah! I’m in love :D Heck, I’m smiling all the time right now :) thankies, darl *giggles*

Blogthings.com

2008-12-04T09:58:00.010+08:00

I haven't been feeling well this week.
Thanks for all that calls me up and asked me how I'm doing since i haven't been updating my blog for a quite some time.

I'll write about my life as usual later; when I really feel like doing so.
I've been coughing, sore throat, fever XD gahh! everything!
Right now I just wanna browse all these quizzes, survey etc in Blogthings.com
thanks to Hazlin :P

Perhaps you would know me better? LOL!

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are aloof, mysterious, and distant.

People feel like they really don't know the true you... Yet they're still drawn to you, almost by magnetic force.

Underneath it all, you don't even really feel like you know yourself. It's easier to put on a front than really think about your life's purpose.

You tend to seem pretentious, but it's just a mechanism you use to push people away.

What Your Cupcake Says About You

At parties, you tend to be laid back and even a bit shy. You are an observer.

You hardly have any restraint. You only hold yourself back when absolutely necessary.

The most important thing in your life is fun.

You are laid back, flexible, and easy to get along with. To know you is to care for you.

You Are Very Approachable

You can talk to anyone, and it shows. People are eager to start conversations with you.

You are open and friendly. You are willing to connect with almost anyone.

While it's great to be approachable, there is such a thing as too approachable.

Eventually someone will try to take advantage of you. Don't be afraid to say no or end an awkward conversation.

You Live in the Past

You spend most of your time thinking about what has happened - not what's happening.
Your mind is consumed with memories and nostalgia.

And while living in the past may feel therapeutic or comfortable, it's not helping you. Whatever has happened to you (good or bad), you're going to have to get over it.

Once you stop living in the past, you'll wake up to the world around you. The present is a pretty great place to be.

The Ultimate Color Test

When you are at peace, you are: Energized and innovative

When you are moved to act, you are: Confident and optimistic

When you are inspired, you are: Spontaneous and adventurous

When your life is perfectly balanced, you are: Totally in the moment

Your life's purpose is: To change the world

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You give completely and unconditionally in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

I Heard Love is Blind

2008-11-17T02:01:00.003+08:00

I heard Love is blind, but it has shown me so many things.
I heard Love is hard, but I tried not to give it up too easily.
I heard Love is strong, but there are moments I crumble; weeping on my knees.

I love my love.
I love being with him.
I love throwing my minutes away for him.
I love laughing with him.
I love walking around and hold hands with him.
I love the fact that we are living together.
I love when he comes when he said he would.
I love when he makes me giggle with his jokes.
I love sleeping and waking up with him next to me.
I love when he pinches me whenever he feels like it.
I love when he surprised me.
I love when he try out new things with me.
I love when he says he misses me, wishing I was there with him.
I love being with him.
I love my love.

I hate my love.
I hate being with him.
I hate when he says he need more time before becoming official.
I hate when he and me is not a couple, and yet I am bound to him that way.
I hate the fact that he’s here living with me and I’m the one blamed to be pushing things too fast?
I hate when he gets moody whenever his ex calls him.
I hate when he always talks about his ex, and all the women before me.
I hate when he’s comparing things to one another.
I hate when all those things hurts me, though I never said a thing.
I hate when he doesn’t realize that.

I hate he spends his time while with me buying and watching fucking s**tty DVDs.
I hate when I can’t make love to him; and yes, I do need that, and no, it’s not just sex.
I hate when I need to tell him where his boundaries are, I don’t do that.
I hate when he wants to be in control in things that he should have not.
I hate when he wants the credits to everything that he involves with.
I hate whenever he wakes up in the middle of the night, logging in the Internet.
I hate when he leaves me alone while he waits in the car.
I hate when he made stupid comments and remarks about or to my friends.

I hate whenever he says, “if you don’t like it, tell me…” yet he did it again after I told him not to.
I hate when he replies, “I forgot, you need to tell me again…”
I hate when he raised his voice to me whenever I accidentally forgets whatever he warns about.
I hate having, “I didn’t scold you whenever you forgets!” vomited from my mouth to him after that.
I hate when he sounded angry in his replies to me verbally.
I hate when he always wants to have the last word.

I hate explaining any problems that I have with him and he always answers back as if he was right.
I hate whenever he said I’m the only one who always have issues with him.
I hate when he said I’m weird; when he’s the one who’s weird.
I hate him drinking, though I never said anything, coz I know my words won’t stop him.
I hate him clubbing, though I never said anything, coz I know my words can’t stop him.
I hate him for being too westernized for me.
I hate when he’s thinking about most of my friend’s problems, but he never sees mine.
I hate when he thinks he’s too good.

I hate when I don’t see the Love in him.
I hate when he could keep me without chains.
I hate when he could hold me without touching.
I hate when he thinks as long as you can be happy it’s good to just stay with that person.
I hate whenever I feel he is only physically attached to be but hardly, emotional-wise.

I hate when he bluntly said all these;

“I think I’m too old for those kinds of thing.
Well, whatever I don’t give to you, you could go to the girls; have it with them instead.”

“Can we drop these things out? Can we not talk about it anymore?”

“… at the end of the day, I’ll be spending my time with you, not with someone else.”

“Sex is just sex.”

“If you feel this doesn’t work out well, move on…”

I hate it so much that I could never forget.
I hate being with him.
I hate my love.

* * * * *

Oh, and I heard Love is blind.

If so…
Forbid me realizing.
Forbid me remembering.

Tell me it’s a dream.
That soon I’ll be waking up from.
That soon, I’ll be fine.

Or fall down for me like a meteor.
As bright, as it blinds my eyes with its brilliance.
As strong, as it darkens my life with one glisten.

Tagged by Cik Cha :)

2008-11-12T10:35:00.004+08:00

1. What are you wearing?
.: Black top with wide neck opening, with a black-based polka-dots skirt :D

2. What did you do last night?
.: Playing Desperate Housewife game on the PC, ate at Redbox & sang like hell :P

3. Favorite Memory with significant other?
.: Ouh God. Whose significant other? Mine? I got none, I guess.

4. Last gift received?
.: 50 bucks from my dad for my birthday.
Well I’m waiting for my love letter to arrive
*winks at Matthew*

5. Describe the last picture you were in?
.: Was taken during my outing to OU with Miza & his boyfriend :)

6. Last thing you ate?
.: Nasi Lemak and 2 pieces of curry puffs.

7. Last thing you drank?
.: Cold Reverse Osmosis water :D *haha!*

8. What kind of underwear are you wearing?
.: And by now you should know that I’m wearing nothing inside :)
Unless I got my periods, of course :D

9. What was your best vacation?
.: Would say my holidays at Tioman Island, thanks darl :)

10. What are you most looking forward to in the next vacation?
.: Bangkok, Thailand or Phi Phi Island :D *wishful thinking*

11. What is happening around you?
.: Nothing, me alone, doing this tag.
While listening to Twilight OST soundtrack :)

12. What is your shoe size?
.: 7

13. Last event you dressed up for?
.: Err… Its been a while I guess XD
I remembered that I, for the first time in this year wore a
baju kurung to somebody’s house or something… AH! Now I remembered!
My bestie’s; Amie.

14. What is the most cheap thing you bought?
.: Huh, in what range? Have to say Hacks Original :D 20cent for 4.

15. What is the most expensive thing you have on right now?
.: My beloved D40 :)

16. What is your favorite smell?
.: The smell of your lover, waking up in the morning,
breathing, groaning, stretching themselves. Comes near to you and said,
“Mornin, Love” right after giving his morning kiss :)

17. Is there something you really want to buy right now?
.: Speedlight? ROFL! Well I can’t think of a thing right now.
Stephanie Mayer’s book set :D

18. What are your nicknames?
.: B, Bella, Bell, Nabila, Nabil, Billie, Nab XD ROFL!

19. What are your plans for today?
.: I think I really2 wanna buy that book set
so I can be in awestruck and dumb gaze.

20. Describe your friendster picture.
.: I think its my straight, helmet-cut hair :D

21. Describe your myspace picture.
.: Basically me playing with my camera infront of the mirror in my room :D

22. Describe your facebook picture.
.: Taken by Sue Anna Joe at Ted Adnan’s Basic Studio Lighting :P

23. What did you do last weekend?
.: Went back home to my parent’s house,
sitting at home finishing my scrap-booking job thingy.

24. Favorite brand of clothes?
.: Err… the ones that aren’t branded at all :D
I love to be different from what others are wearing.
But I often too buying things from Nichii coz they got my size :D

25. What is your ringtone?
.: Anyway by Telepopmusik :D

Ramadhan Recap =.=

2008-10-21T15:55:00.008+08:00

Yes, why else should you be lingering around here; to hear yet another rambling by me? It’s been a month and so since I last updated my blog. Pardon me again for being lazy. Curse the Maxis Broadband who’s been such a pain in the ass. Blame the Time for not slowing a minute down. Attack my company for giving me bundles and piles of work; which is not a part of my division’s task. But then again, all the fingers are pointing back at me.

*HEY LAZY ASS, WAKEY UP!*

Geez! Where should I start? I hate doing recaps, there’s always some parts where I would be forgetting =.= LOL! Been eating like hell here and there. Facebook eventually managed to bring us closer, yes? During the Ramadhan, me and the rest of my classmates organised a break fast at Sunway Hotel :) it was good to see old friends though we are not that close way back in school. I was quite a loner I guess, and totally not the gossiping type. Here’s a group picture of us who attend the break fast thingy.

And THIS; been uploaded by Hazlin – a.k.a Ayin/Tomato girl :) coz her face could easily turned red! This is seriously old school, man! A compilation of all our class members, with 2 faces each and nicknames :) mine was supposed to be “Pamela Anderson”, but the School Magazine Community Members asked us to change it, since its too… Erm, provocative? *ROFL*

Then there’s time where me and Azlan would be break fasting with Weeta. 3-4 times I think… Or maybe more. It’s kinda easy, since Weeta and Azlan would meet at Asia Jaya area and they’ll be picking me up at Puchong. We went to Borneo Rainforest (yeah, like; what’s a super nerdy-librarian-loner-melancholic girl like me doing over there? Absolutely nothing! LOL – just enjoying the band actually; Hydra coz they are so talented :) and no, I don’t dance & I don’t drink nor shisha-ing), Italianies and even Williams (God! I’m soo freaking in LOVE with Williams :D the foods are delicious and the portion is out of this world :P)

Weeta and Papik @ Italianies, Sunway Pyramid

Weeta & Moi – Hydra Band@ Borneo Rainforest :D

Then, there was this one time right after few days of tasting William’s food, I asked Teddy (Ted Adnan) to gain weight together over there; with Weeta & Azlan. Double-date kah? No lah ;P It was fun, while me and Weeta laughing like hell whenever Teddy send me his text messages on his way there… I love Teddy when he’s not serious ;) Eh! Wait… He never seems that serious to me ever, ROFL :D He’s fun to hang out with :) and knowledgeable too :D

Ouh around the middle of Ramadhan, there’s this photoshoot thingy by Evan Hwong :D He was collecting the faces of Malaysians; 1 person around 6 different faces to be compiled for the Malaysian Unite thingy :P you could google him around or ask me directly about it if you’re interested. There would be another photoshoot on the 22th November 2008; Ampwalk 807Studio :D

Who is he? Here he is! More pictures in Facebook (Add me up, people ;P )

* * * * *

I think I’ve done recapping the Ramadhan month. Yeah, I know… Borriingg..! But what the heck, YOU still reading it up till [HERE] ! LOL :D

Later, Alligators :D

What Love Is?

2008-09-10T10:12:00.006+08:00

“Love represents a range of emotions and experiences related to the senses of affection and sexual attraction.] The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction. This diversity of meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.

As an abstract concept love usually refers to a strong, ineffable feeling towards another person. Even this limited conception of love, however, encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love to the nonsexual. Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and, owing to its central psychological importance, is one of the most common themes in the creative arts.”

– Wikipedia on “What is Love”

* * * * *

Love; one of the things I Google-d this morning. Funny? Well, I’m trying to know what Love is in the Internet. Guess somehow I lost it along the way. No, no, no. I haven’t lost the feeling of how to Love; I know I can still love someone. I know I could be unconditionally loyal with someone I love. This month, my emotions seem to stirs up pretty madly. Too many things popping in my head; reminiscing my sweet past lover, the people I had love and where I stand. This month is about breaking myself free from everything, trying to move on, and learning to let go.

Amie’s perception of me; somewhat changed. How he looked at me – he finally said to me; he thought of me as a little sister that he never had. Yes, I’m in love with my bestie. And a lot of you readers out there have experience the same feeling too. But I love him way before he was my bestie. Which I couldn’t make it happen somehow, so yes, I settled as being the “here for you” figure. We grew closer, which I’m really thankful of. And he was there for me too. We share almost everything, stories of life, men and women; I am happy with him. But yeah, ME as HIS LIL SISTER? A bit cliché *ROFL* But I’m trying to learn and accept that now… All I want him to know is that I would never want to lose him ever. Right now he’s with someone… Someone that even me and the Night Team seems to like… Somebody needs a dog leash now… He’s been kinda tied up…

Azmir on the other hand, eventually we came across the stage where I finally draw the line between us. A line from a lover to a friend, friends with benefit (LALALA), and last week, we had this long conversation over the phone. We decided to just being friends. Eventually he and Nina (this very nice girl she knew and met last couple of months), their relationship begin to grew a tad closer? Well, Nina! You need to start to make a move, coz he won’t! *LOL* sorry darling, I’m trying to be supportive here :P Been almost two years now we broke up. And who could not love him…? He’s the best boyfriend I ever had in my entire life. Full of sensitiveness, sarcasms, romantic, cuddly, always there for me (at least over the phone – coz he’s in UK), and ALL FREAKING MOMS LOVES HIM! Ahaha! I love you, but this is for the better, right? And as you pray for my happiness, I’m praying the same too here :)

Same old Matthew baby doesn’t change *LOL* But it seems that we both kinda in the stage where we don’t chat as always, both are too busy attending our real boring life instead of stuck in front of the flat panel monitor, laughing our ass off. Things like this happens, eventually. Sooner, or later. But we still contacting each other, thru emails or notes in DeviantArt. Miss you heaps, though…

* * * * *

Ramadhan seems to be ok up till now. I’m getting a bit thinner due to the fever I got for a few days. Hence, I haven’t eaten rice for a week. Now, when I’m trying to eat rice again, it felt different. I don’t feel like eating it much as hell. Azlan been promoted to a bigger division :) Congrats, darl :D He’s been good to me, FYI. Well, of course there are times which I feel a little lonely, sad here and there… But all and all, I am HAPPY :) He’s a good friend, and been helping me to get thru with some of my personal problems. He’s been feeding me well too *LOL* Of course I mean FOOD! Tsk tsk tsk, dirty-minded you guys lah!

Eh, somehow I don’t really feel writing anything right now… Just wanna listen to the music and chill. About the LOVE thingy, I think I’ll save it for future… Happy fasting by the way!

Later, darlings!

Double Penetration

2008-08-15T07:01:00.011+08:00

It’s been a month I haven’t got the time to even upload a whole bunch of my photos and even to update this blog of mine. I’m doing quite fine actually. Yes, took my pills as usual. And I’m good for now. Health-wise, been under attacked by few naughty fever, flu and cough syndrome. *ROFL* It’s like the “IN” thing to have those thingy since last month. Blame the global warming?

Life-wise, I am enjoying every part of it. Let’s have a recap on what I did since the last time I update this blog, shall we?

1. My new owner in which the terrace house I’m living in gave me a 24-hours evacuation! And this is the best part, I happened to know it around 7pm! This gave me such small hours to pack everything and move out. Lucky that evening I already taken the keys to my new place at Sutramas! Gladly, there’s Nazmy and Salo (his cousin) came down and help me out… They were paid, of course ;) Then Amie and Azlan came continuously. I finished all the packing and moving around 4 freaking IN THE MORNING!

2. Bonding session with my cousin, Aisyah for a few times. With Azlan and Amie too. Lepaking, watching The Dark Knight (which is super pure awesomeness, lovely Joker!). Coolest thing that I can’t forget was sending my cousin afterwards to Puduraya and saw a trio of foreigners walking across the road which Azlan’s parked his car. Why? One of them dressed as JOKER! Seriously GAHH!! With her green hair, suit and face make-up! I should have stopped him and ask him for a date -_-“

3. Meeting few fellow friends while I was here and there :) which I was giddy to meet. Went over last two weekends to Alor Setar, Kedah for a business trip. Got kinda bored sitting at the hotel room alone so called up Beck Zaidan and meet him at Secret Recipe. Lepaking for about 1-2 hours, eating and gossiping? *ROFL* Well it was fun meeting Beck again :) and thanks for accompanying me there… That place was seriously boring and scary! Too many rempits, too many plastic-losers-wannabes. It was total wack! Best thing is, the next day I went to Kedah’s Royal Museum, Balai Rong Seri (I think?) and do some photoshoot here and there :) what could I asked more ^_^ and I met Fiona last week, lepaking at Mosin :D and I’ve missed her too :) thanks for dropping by sayang :)

4. On the 4th of August, my whole family and I went celebrating my brother’s 19th birthday. I wasn’t feeling too well, with my fever, flu and cough… But yeah, it’s a good short bonding we had. Honestly, I really missed my dad… Haven’t seen him for quite a while actually. We went eating at Sunway’s Flaming Steamboat - Buffet :D YUMMY!

5. Facebook is super awesome :D somehow I found back sooo many of my long-lost high school friends and back to kindergarten :D done a lot of hellos, chatting and messaging here and there :) and hell yeah I’m trying to meet them later on ;) Ouh and finally seeing Sexy Chewbacca’s face *LOL*

6. Fishing prawns! Yes :D Have you tried em before? Lucky there was a shop in Puchong with a big concrete “prawn swimming pool” and it would costs you RM13 for an hour. Free chicken heart and liver as bait. But here’s the best part for me – RM6 for a bowl of SEA WORMS! And they’re alive, and LONG, and SLIMEY, and when you cut their bodies without touching near its head, it could live up to a MONTH :D gosh I love worms ;) and it’s been a long time I didn’t play with em… I miss the good-old days fishing near the paddy field, digging for earthworms… SUBLIME :D How to actually catch a prawn? You need to be fast. Like playing a whip and pulling it quick before the prawns jumped away and run. I went there with Azlan, lucky me that he always stops at any places that looks a bit weird or odd or whatever which attracts him. If not, I forever won’t be able to do that… It was a great experience and we’re going for more :D

7. And last night after meeting a few new friends, me and Azlan went to SS2 for supper. As usual, I would order Kam Yong Fried Rice… We dropped by to The Cave before that. A cool looking “Café for Couples” thingy. But eventually it was closed. I was wee-bit frustrated at first coz I really wanna see how the place looks like. And “damn”, is the next word that came out whispering from my mouth after Azlan eventually talked to one of the person in-charge and he even give us a 10 minutes tour inside The Cave. ^_^ YAY! And yeah, one of these days we gonna go there and have a bite ;) Lovely ambiance and privately organized each partition of the seats. Bar at ground floor – Divided partitions cave rooms at 1st floor – open space seating at 2nd floor. You can check out few pictures here ;) http://kampungboycitygal.com/?p=386 & http://nicktay.net/2008/07/22/jjcm-the-cave-pj-ss2

And hell yeah, do you think this is a double penetration entry? Super long :P New pictures in Kedah and other new pictures of mine would be added on my Flickr and Deviantart :D Ouh I nearly forgot to wish Weeta’s brother and Maizureen (my ex-schoolmate) CONGRATULATIONS with their upcoming wedding this Saturday :D Hope they’ll be happy for the rest of their lives. And I’ll be coming there to makan-makan and snap a picture or two :) And to Fuzuri, Omar Bahrin and Haniee for their TV3 appearance on the wedding of Azzura – WHI host :D

You guys really moving up now ;) and I’m glad for you guys!

Until then, toodles people :D

ACK! Hormone Imbalance >.<

2008-07-10T03:22:00.008+08:00

Due to heavy bleedings and irregular periods, my lady boss sent me to Damansara Specialist Hospital on the 2nd of July. After consultation, few Q&A sessions, urine test and ultrasound, I was medically declared as a hormone imbalance sufferer. Sounds funny? Well, FUNNY MY ASS! It’s NOT ok. Seriously its not at all :

* * *

WHAT IS HORMONE IMBALANCE ACTUALLY? http://www.safemenopausesolutions.com/hormoneimbalance.html

“In the normal menstrual cycle, only estrogen is produced for the first 10-12 days. Ovulation then tells the female body to produce progesterone, and the hormones are in balance. Progesterone sustains the endometrium, so it can receive a fertilized egg if pregnancy occurs. If there's no pregnancy, then the body stops producing both hormones, and menstruation occurs.
BUT - let's say you have NO ovulation one month (a typical pre-menopause event). Then the estrogen already produced for that month is NEVER balanced by progesterone, which can only be produced with ovulation. Therefore, it produces estrogen, but LESS progesterone. THIS is hormone imbalance and is causing hormone imbalance symptoms, symptoms female hormone imbalance and fluctuations in hormone levels.

Estrogen is still produced in the monthly cycle (you'll have a monthly period), but a missed ovulation means no progesterone is made! And unbalanced estrogen is... TOXIC!”

* * *

And yes, of course one thing leads to another. What actually happens when my silly progesterone is not being made by my body? Here’s a few of the symptoms, just in case you’re wondering…

Estrogen Effects • Weight gain • Depression, headaches • Fibrocystic breasts • Breast cancer risk • Increases risk of gall bladder • Increases endometrial cancer • Decreases sex drive • Increases blood clotting • Causes thyroid imbalance • Irregular menstrual flow • Elevated blood pressure • Risk of miscarriage • Depletes bone density (WHICH EXPLAINS WHY AM I GETTING SICKER ALL THE TIME : )

Progesterone Effects • Utilizes fat for energy • Natural antidepressant • Protects fibrocystic breasts • Decreases risk of breast cancer • Needed for embryo survival • Prevents endometrial cancer • Restores sex drive • Normalizes blood clotting • Causes thyroid balance • Normalizes periods • Regulates blood pressure • Prevents miscarriages • Stimulates bone density

Ok, you see that Progesterone thingy goes up and the Estrogen falls down? My Progesterone are not produce, hence the cycle of having a normal period does not occurs. And it left me with a LOT of Estrogen (read back above to see Estrogen Effects). And if there is a hormone imbalance, then the person would be UNABLE TO REPRODUCE!

Other than that, EXCESS Adrenalin seems to be another problem for me. These are intense, type A personalities - which can be described as impatient, excessively time-conscious, insecure about their status, highly competitive, hostile and aggressive, incapable of relaxation, often high achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about the smallest of delays. WOW, I seem to be all cranked up :P

Ouh and suddenly I know that my “Ape-like body hair” is not because of my parent’s genetic whatsoever. Yeah, I got all those hair at all those places. So, Miss Sexy Chewbacca, who’s hairier? Me or you? *ROFL*

And the most common symptoms are weight increase, fatigue and loss of short-term memory, pain and anxiety.

* * *

ANXIETY AND PANIC ATTACKS http://www.onlineallergycenter.com/treatments/hormone_imbalance.htm

In instances of major fatigue and anxiety the patients have reached a state of adrenal exhaustion which results in low cortisol. When this occurs there is no choice but to use our backup emergency hormone, adrenalin, for all the things are regulated by cortisol: energy, allergy and stress. Whenever your body calls on your adrenal gland and says, "we need some energy, send us some cortisol," your adrenal gland replies, "sorry girl, you’ve been out of cortisol these last few months; but we'll send you what we've got plenty of…adrenalin."

Adrenalin is design for life-threatening EMERGENCIES. So, you end up with the effect of progesterone out of balance with estrogen... hair loss, etc., the typical perimenopausal or menopausal symptoms. Furthermore, you use adrenalin for all the things for which you usually use cortisol. Adrenalin will get it done, but it is a very uncomfortable form of energy. Hard, brittle energy. Very tense for an hour and a half or two, then the bottom drops out as your sugar drops precipitously.

So, then, we "drug" ourselves with some food or drink so we can feel better again. This is how we get into food allergy and addiction. If we drink something we are mildly allergic to (like a Coke or a cup of coffee) our body has a mild allergic reaction and releases a dose of adrenalin. In moments we begin to feel better. More energy. More alert. Less shaky. This gives us a couple of hours of energy. Then the bottom falls out all over again. This means we will have seven or eight of these two hour excursions each day. Each adrenalin excursion is a little lower than the previous one. By the end of the day we are absolutely exhausted. Out of gas. It's over.

Eventually you fall asleep in absolute exhaustion, but... YOU DON'T REST! You will sleep fitfully, perhaps awaken with any "click" or "pop" in the house. Most will awaken between 2 and 3 AM because mold sporulates (reproduces) at about 2 AM and, as it pours out of AC systems, our bodies react with yet another burst of adrenalin which wakes us up and often “scares the pee” out us as many will feel an urgent need to urinate. We fall back asleep, in continuing exhaustion, and awaken in the morning feeling like we haven't had enough "rest" and this is indeed the case.

If we are using adrenalin to run our daily lives, we are like someone who has had way too much coffee. They will eventually fall asleep, but they cannot sink deeply enough asleep to get REM (rapid eye movement) sleep or fourth level, restorative sleep. If we are over-adrenalized we cannot seem to catch up on our rest. In fact, the longer we sleep, the worse we feel.

Now we have a new problem... CHRONIC SLEEP DEPRIVATION. And you thought you were "jittery" before. So you get up feeling like you haven't had enough rest (and indeed you haven't) and what do you have to do? Put out a squirt of adrenalin to begin your day... And the pattern begins to repeat itself, day after day. Now we begin to feel frequent chest tightness, shortness of breath, tingling and numbness, difficulty swallowing, gastric acid reflux, stomach aches, joint pain and severe irritability.

* * *

Haaa! So I think now you guys got the clear picture of why I’m not onlining that much, I’m not talking that much, I kept on saying I’m not feeling well – coz I AM NOT WELL *sobs* As for that, the doctor prescribed me this medication to be taken EVERYDAY, non-stop.

NORETHISTERONE

”It contains norethisterone, which is a synthetic form of the naturally occurring female sex hormone, progesterone. The progesterone-only pill acts by affecting the natural mucus at the neck of the womb. Norethisterone increases the thickness of this mucus making it more difficult for sperm to cross from the vagina into the womb. By preventing sperm entering the womb, successful fertilization of an egg, leading to pregnancy, is less likely. Norethisterone also acts to change the quality of the womb lining (endometrium). This prevents the successful implantation of a fertilized egg onto the wall of the womb, thereby preventing pregnancy. Norethisterone may also prevent the release of an egg from the ovary.”

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS
Rash
Depression
Irregular menstrual cycle
Breast tenderness/swelling
Nausea and vomiting
Weight changes
Headache/migraine
Changes in sex drive
Menstrual spotting between periods
Irregular brown patches on the skin of the face and elsewhere (chloasma)

* * *

But the stubborn me stops after taking the pills for a few days because of few side effects they have on me. And I began to feel depress out of it. After I stop taking it, I feel I’m back to the normal me. But all of the sudden, my heavy flow bleeding starts again. So I called up the doctor instead on Tuesday morning, asking if there’s any other method that I could try or any other prescription that he could give me. A simple “NO” – there’s no other medicine than that pill; and another “NO” – for I could not stop the medication at all, if not the bleeding would occur over and over again.

And what if I don’t take the medication at all?
“Then I need to send you for a surgery to clean your vagina in which the bleeding occurs… That would cost you thousands and NO it won’t stop your bleeding. Just a clean up so that there won’t be any infection in your vagina caused by prolong bleeding.”

But at the moment, THIS is living!

2008-07-08T13:37:00.003+08:00

I like what he does to me. Keeping my mind occupied all the time. Thinking, imagining, and my thoughts lingers everyway that it could. Is this what you called a “mind-stimulating conversation”? Whatever it is, indeed I am happy. Thankful, yeah… That’s the exact word I think.

I was born as a Muslim. Yes, it printed on my identification card – Islam. But who am I actually? How could they put everyone into a religion that is automatically taken from our birth parents? Why can’t we live, learn and choose what we wanted to believe in? Before you begin to curse me in what-so-ever way you could, please stop. I already received a lot of it and I’ve seen at least Chewbacca been shot by few people who thinks “we as mere human, can’t have doubts nor asking or wondering about our own religion.” Err, asking and wanting to know is not wrong at all. So please, let me be me.

It’s been a while I felt that warmth fuzzy feeling when I indulge into spiritual issues. God, good Lord. Yes, Allah. I remember the last time is when I’m studying at Perak after finishing my Maghrib and Isya’ prayers and reading few short Surah afterwards. Asking for His forgiveness, crying and felt asleep on the sajadah – woke up in the middle of the night with tons of miscalls from my roommate who’s involved in an accident and was in hospital. Last week, a day driving in the car, talking about God, the purpose of us living, I don’t know how he does it; somehow a door is opened for me to walk in. Is the “an-Nur” (the Light) finally coming to me? Alhamdulillah if it does. No, I’m not automatically turning into a pious all of the sudden. Just a thank you note to You. He remembers me indeed, still :) And I’m still searching for Him in my life. As for now, I can breathe out and give a warm sigh with a smile and looking things in life as a test from Him. His simple way of reminding us; why are we created in the first place? – To serve Him.

For me, I need to know first in what I believe in or going to believe later on. I don’t want to do something just because others doing it. I need to know why we do it, the real reason, the purpose of it, and NO, don’t say just because it’s in the Five Pillars of Islam and the Six Pillars of Faith so I freaking must do it without any questions asked. Wow, this is quite a long entry. Well, as for right now, there are few issues about my life other than this spiritual thingy. And my problem got worse by today. Called up my doctor, and he said this and that strictly or else… But I don’t wanna talk about it here… Perhaps, later.

All I need right now is a freaking someone to hug me to sleep and lie to me that everything’s gonna be alright when I open my eyes tomorrow.

How I Miss You :)

2008-06-29T15:18:00.006+08:00

And I’ve been missing you for a few days now… Did I make a mistake for opening my old photo album? I miss my old self. Nonetheless it is still me :) Mentally she’s still me… Physically, she’s WAAAAYYY hotter than me right now *ROFL* Ouh shit, what have I become? Envy of my old self? Does this spelled for “B-E-L-L-A NEEDS TO GO FOR A DIET TO BE H-O-T AGAIN?”

Bahaha! No way! I hate dieting, and I love to eat. There’s no way this is going to work

-_-“

I was SUPER CUTE / ADORABLE / AWESOMENESS / HOTSIE!

Repeat – WAS!!

LOL!

Bah, I love myself :) Nah, and I won’t go into something stupid just to be beautiful…

I just want to be HAPPY :D

P/s: This is one of the reason I wanna get married one day :D I wanna make cute babies! Hell ya! ;)

What Makes Me Happy?

2008-06-24T16:21:00.010+08:00

It’s been so long since somebody asked me again, the very question – “what makes you happy?” somehow it took me quite a while (a few days actually) to figure out what does, eventually. Most people would say MONEY, but I don’t know; that really doesn’t cross my mind. Questions like this freaks me out at times, honestly. Since I’m living in this little world of mine, a façade I have created from a long time.

It has been ordinary to me, my life, I mean. Up till the point where little accidence occurs which changed me somehow. I don’t know whether those changes made a better person out of me, but yeah, lets just say – thank God, I think I made the right choice on few critical times in life. But yes, I have nothing to be proud of as in today.

Having a job as an Administration Executive, in an Oil & Gas company is not that fun; I can tell you that. Well almost every job gives you headaches, right? So yeah, I won’t complaint much. But I’m thankful to have such awesome bosses :) Nah, not fishing for a salary-raise but sure if you wanted to *WINKS*

I asked few of my sweethearts to answer the same question. Ouh Kel, I can’t retrieve my archive of our chat log! Darn! Somehow my YM Web-based doesn’t save any conversation with MSN >.<

Matthew:
Talking to you does :P it'd be even better if I could hug and squeeze you in person… (Me blushing all the way LOL!) I like nature, I like driving on the highway during summer and seeing stars at night… pizza, though sometimes pizza does get old…
* * * * *
Andrew:
a real job that I like, my own house, a girlfriend that likes me for me, more friends, money to enjoy hobbies, traveling, having my country not run by idiots...... just the simple things in life
* * * * *

Zafril:

Sex? Ahahaha! I donno. Success I guess. And love. No matter cliché it may sound. Friends :) (And after a while, he replies something else) umm. Ok silap2… honestly. I’d be happy if... ummm... seriously. I tak tau doh. I am happy now. But I donno why. Ahaha.
* * * * *
Masitahsharif: flowers!
* * * * *
Omar: I’m happy if there’s someone who could make me happy.
* * * * *
Cik kiah: love, sex and money
* * * * *
JIN: bila ko nak menari bogel depan aku?

(Translation – when you want to dance naked in front of me? -_-“)
* * * * *
Jab-bar: pleasure of sex...
* * * * *
Daus: friends
* * * * *
Haniee: love, happy family… happy work

So, wanna know what makes ME happy? Bah! I don’t really know, and am not putting this in a most to less kinda list… I listed em all randomly, ENJOY!

1. Being naked.
2. Tentacle monsters & kinky stuff.
3. Hugging someone who hugs me back, stay in that particular hugging motion for at least 1 minute to let all my problems & stress go.
4. Smell of grass being trimmed in the morning.
5. Pictures that I snapped and adore.
6. Doing nude arts… NOT PORN, ok!
7. Eating a good dark chocolate :D even smelling it makes me *drools*
8. CHICKEN! Yes, I love chicken and eating chicken makes me happy ROFL!
9. I love it when it rains, the smell of rain, the water pouring from the sky, the dark sky; somehow everything became slow-motion & it makes me calm.
10. Few of N.E.R.D’s songs or Pharrell’s voice makes me smile broadly and make me wanna dance my lazy ass!
11. Matthew doing his things in our chats - *pets you* , *pets your head*, *ROFL, kisses you*
12. Reading stories that Matthew writes for me.
13. Watching Danny Crane introducing himself to others – “Danny Crane!”
14. Playing kite! (still got one unopened Superman kite I bought 2 years ago -_-“)
15. Blowing bubbles!
16. Shaving my legs and see how smoothly the water runs on it, LOL!
17. A good, loving massage :) (barely got it now -_-“)
18. Spanking a man’s ass ouh and girls too *GRINS*
19. Singing Spanish translated songs – I’ll end up laughing trying to catch up with the lyrics!
20. Listening to silly happy songs like Kate Nash, Regina Spektor, Lily Allen & ouh Katy Perry :D
21. Sitting in between of rack of books – bookstore, library. Just being surrounded with it :)
22. Cutting someone else’s hair (I’ve grinded Amie’s and cut my lil sis hair :D)
23. seeing others smiling (not that happy, but warm fuzzy feeling inside)
24. Holiday with Azmir :) been to Tioman & Penang (now he’s back to UK *sobs*)
25. Making love in missionary position, coz I’m able to hold, to feel them thrusting, all the little movement, pulling their hair, moaning at their ear, and they can feel me trembling… (Do I need to explain more?)
26. Reading my daily horoscope :)
27. Being a tarot card reader for my friends when I was in university studying, and try to relate the meaning of those cards with their live… Eventually it works :D
28. Flirting with people that I wanted to flirt ^_^ & I usually got “you’re such a teaser!”
29. Watching the night sky, full moon and stars :)
30. Editing pictures and effin love the results :D

31. Getting white lilies (YES, the only flower that I like, might consider black roses)
32. Listening to acoustic, oldies songs.
33. JJ and Rudy of Hitz.FM – the Morning Crew!! Never fails to make me happy :D
34. Knows someone loves me for me, the messy me, the what’s-a-frying-pan me, the less-vocab me, my weirdness, my forgetfulness, my stupid-dumb-blonde behavior at times, the chubby me :D
35. Buying gift wrappers XD I don’t know why… but I still have a lot of it that I haven’t used yet!
36. Coloring my hair?
37. Eating Papa Beard Cream Puffs :D (Or is it Beard Papa?)
38. Watching Shrek and Jack Black :) yes, Donkey too, and Puss XD
39. Reading comic strips especially from Kris! http://kris-wilson.deviantart.com/
40. Talking to few people makes me happy :D (you know who you are) *hugs*

41. My Nikon D40, manually focus lens (thanks Teddy), tripod, new camera bag and soon to have my SB600 speedlight! (Hopefully!)
42. Damien – he just molted the second time, by the way XD Teehee! And seeing other snakes :) how I wanted to sleep with an albino python *wishing hard*
43. Sitting in a dark room.
44. Going out with my mum and little sister & treat em both with shopping etc.
45. Buying groceries for my mum before I went back home :)
46. Passion fruit drinks!
47. Going out for a movie.
48. Downloading stuff – software, mp3, desktop wallpapers.
49. Photoshop CS3 & Adobe Lightroom :D
50. My soon-to-be-release name card *GRINS*

Aha! more to come... I think...

Daddy’s Big Girl :)

2008-06-17T10:29:00.004+08:00

And I was celebrating Father’s Day without him. Nah, he’s alive still, just he wasn’t there to celebrate it with us. He said he went to Sungai Congkak to join the Police Cadet for their trainings. Not joining em perhaps, more like monitoring. Sarjan Major Juhari Ishak, could someone go and clarify whether there’s training over there last weekend. YES, sorry but I don’t really believe him nowadays. Few friends of mine know why.

But then again, I love him still. So last weekend I went out with my lil sister, Yana to MidValley to find few presents to give for him for Father’s Day *SMILES* lastly we bought these for him :D

A Spawn from The Immortal series and a Nike Dry Fit Shirt says “You Rest – I Train”. Well, I and sister think it suits him since he’s a badminton coach etc. Ah! Spawn collections, yes… That was my fault filling my dad’s rack and cabinets with those dolls :) I love Spawn and my dad loves art. I love how it is detailed made from head to toe, from the weapons to the robe he wore. It always *jaw drops* me :P

I think am gonna borrow some of his Spawn thingy and go snap few pictures lah :D gonna be awesome… Teehee XD I think he got more than 14 of it all now and few Mc Farlene’s Dragons. I’m not that into dragons *LOL* as for me, I’ll continue writing later. Too many things need to be done… Yes, a never-ending work -_-“ Ouh, how bout seeing this for a while :) I love both of these right now :D ENJOY!

TIOMAN TEASER :p

2008-06-12T00:14:00.005+08:00

AND HOW I LOVE MY CAMERA AND MYSELF SO MUCH :)

still too many work unfinished at the office, will be updating later...

all i know is am tired, but it was fun.. DAMN FUN !

thanks, darl for taking me there :)

And Go Your Own Way :)

2008-05-27T21:56:00.005+08:00

As usual; whenever people noticed me being lazy, I would apologize and give a few reasoning to assure them that I AM NOT BEING LAZY, especially to Sexy Chewbacca (who claims she even update her blog when she’s sick, ROFL!). I don’t know why, but do you feel that days ended too quickly nowadays? As if we got 12 hours instead of 24. Each 4 hours are for work, play and sleep. And with my hectic day-job, stress coming my way! I’m getting sleepier too, though I went to bed around 10 and woke up around 7.30! Ah! Not to mention the freaking hot Mr. Sunny-Bragging Sunshine : You know I don’t like you, right?

purply me :) - soft pink ayu - white oja - hot pink miza

taken by Oja's Mr. Right :P

So, I wasn’t here in Puchong during the weekend. Went back to my parent’s house, did another latest routine work – attending WEDDINGS! Yes, when I was a kid, I hate attending weddings; not because I hate wedding itself… I hate wearing baju kurung and do my hair, make up etc and go out in the afternoon. I hate sweating like a pig; note that I barely sweat – yes, I’m not physically fit. Calories in and stays here with care and love from me :D they don’t burn away, LOL! Well I guess there’s no excuses when it comes to a friend =.= nonetheless, its kinda cool lah, since she did her wedding in a hall :D no more Mr. Sunny! ;)

So this is my friend since high school – Shahiza a.k.a Oja :D she and her evil smirk ;) and when I say evil, I meant EVIL :D more like kinky I guess :P and I bought her a whip for her wedding YAY!! She did the same exact face when I gave her the present, ROFL! Gosh, I hope his husband can still stand :D

P/s: Ayu, is that nerdy specky best man (pengapit) looking at me?? Ahaha! Perasan aku nieh :P

ouh do click on the pictures to see the larger image :D

Details In Fabric Lyrics

2008-05-26T22:09:00.007+08:00

Okay, I got a feeling that Sexy Chewbacca ain't gonna be THAT sexy anymore when she's chewing my head off! Seriously dear, i wrote a blog entry already... Now it's all messed up coz Maxis broadband being such a puki : so here's a song that i've been listening tonight, just a thought to share it with you guys... IF you like it, just in case you would :) Well I know I am :D

Jason Mraz - Details In Fabric

Calm down - Deep breaths

And get yourself dressed instead

Of running around

And pulling all your threads and

Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it

But, if it's a broken arm then brace it

If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own

Know your name

And go your own way

And everything will be fine

Hang on - Help is on the way

Stay strong I'm doing everything

Hold your own

Know your name

And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine

Everything

Are the details in the fabric

Are the things that make you panic

Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow

Hell, no reason, go on and scream

If you're shocked it's just the fault

Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine

Everything in no time at all

Everything

Hold your own

And know your name

And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)

Are the things that make you panic

Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)

Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)

Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)

Hell no reason go on and scream

If you’re shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)

Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine

Everything in no time at all

Hearts will hold

To download, click here.

Err!

2008-05-20T00:00:00.004+08:00

Okay, there’s a LOT of things that I want to write about… But I don’t know why I’m too lazy these few weeks and so, this is an entry – more like a BIG shout out for two of my beloved ones…

PERV MATTHEW - 18 MAY! :D

LALA ADEK AYAM - 20 MAY! :D

READ MORE HERE! http://sisterofheaven.deviantart.com/journal/18201035/

P/s: I think I’m lazy coz I burnt too many fat and rapidly indeed with the hot hot HOT weather here in Malaysia nowadays!

Fuck, I wanna be with Matthew : Ouh and baby, I miss your old hair color…

you’re not nerdy anymore with that color… >.<

and I feel that is sort of my own punishment for making a new hairstyle… LOL!

And I hope you’re alright…

Poor sheep got a stomachache!

Why I Am Not Engaged?

2008-05-14T06:15:00.007+08:00

Heck! And there goes another two of my friends, got themselves engaged last weekend! *ROFL* Congrats to both!

Hanie (see The Soulful)

and Marina :D

Don’t ask me when I will do the honor of declaring myself as someone else’s. As confident as I am writing and admitting it right now, there will be NONE for at least a year or so :) But unless, Matthew would come here and marry me of course… *WISHFUL THINKING* or Amie would do so too, or even Azmir (Ouh, and his mum approves it this time) *SIGH*

Why I am not engaged? Well, why should I? To have someone to share your daily life with; I got my bestie(s) to do that. To have someone to share my problems with; hell THEY’RE the one that gives me problems as I recalled the last time I’m with someone. On top of all – to feel love; Bahaha! Seriously, I got all the love that I can handle right now. Yes, SERIOUSLY! So could someone convince me why I need one right now?

Ouh and for those who been asking, whether Damien is in his good condition; yes. He is doing far too well. And I think he grew longer :D That’s good! No pictures for now, since I’m too busy with work and all. Ah! To those who don’t know Damien, he’s my pet snake :) Who’s adorably macho – well I love to brag about him… He definitely deserved it :D

Ouh last week I got bored and cut my hair :D Yes, yes, some already saw it live and in Friendster, Myspace or Facebook. But here’s a picture of it, AGAIN for bloggers viewing pleasure :P (yes, am fishing for compliment! Ha-ha!)

Ouh and thanks for Kanda Kerry for accompanying me with my silliness this month :) Ha-ha! Fuck, Matthew’s birthday and Lala’s is sooo freaking near :D Ouh, bondage photoshoot anyone?

And Shrek, you got me pretty annoyed since freakin last month!!!

Damien, My New Love <3

2008-04-30T17:11:00.008+08:00

He’s the one who’s been keeping me busy for the whole week or two. He or she, that’s for me to find out later when he’s old enough to do the popping. “Popping” is what they call it – a process to sexing your corn snakes. And if he turns out to be a she, then she would have Jade as her name :) as for now, Damien as it is.

I got a LOT of people saying these phrases to me this couple of weeks;
“You’re crazy!”
“Don’t you have other animals to choose for a pet?”
“Euw! Put it close to me and I squash/stomp him dead!”
“I’m not gonna be overnight at your house anymore!”

And the most classic of all from my dad;
“You gonna eat that snake soon enough when you’re hungry…”
(He’s trying to condemn my eating habit LOL!)

Well, FYI this handsome young man doesn’t bite. He’s a tad hyper, which is good. And have a big appetite! Seriously, most would be fed once a week. But not him, I need to feed him twice! And of course I share this interest of petting a snake from my bestie, Amie – pet brother, whatever LOL! Ouh, did I mention, it’s still his snake since he bought it…

but yeah, this bloke sleeps with me :D

And I made few more new friends! They’re on my Soulful lists right on the right panel :D do drop by and see how fascinating they are :D and happy holidays for Malaysians tomorrow!

Pretty Woman :)

2008-04-19T16:09:00.004+08:00

Bah! I’m actually busy at the moment. Job tenders, POs kept coming in. Not for me obviously, but for the company I’m working with. Anyhow, wanna know what’s new? Well, firstly - my bestie finally decided to have his blog! Yes, yes! His own freaking blog that are updated more often than mine! *LOL* now am gonna ask him to make a new blog account since he’s still using blog in Myspace. But yeah, that’s a start – right?

Another “marking” has been done by Malaysian last week :) Yes, the KL Freeze thingy. Awesome, ain’t it? Well, I did know about it a day before the event is going to be held. But idk, don’t really feel to participate in it. Probably coz of the rainy season and I need to go by public transport. But hell yeah! I’m supporting ANYTHING with good cause. Now, I don’t have to write up about KL Freeze since I’m 100% sure by now you guys could Google em up :D And if you didn’t manage to be a part in last week Pavilion’s KL Freeze, there’s gonna be another on at Sunway Pyramid, tomorrow at 8 pm!

I got my new CPU early this month. As for THAT, forgive me for not telling it earlier. Kinda slips my mind. My bestie and I went to Alam Sentral and bought if in an instant! Since my bosses gave me RM1K immediately on Friday :D God, I’m bloody blessed for having them as my bosses. They’re cool and they treat me like a friend :) or a child? Idk. Teehee XD And my bestie quoted in his blog that he’s glad that I finally would stop bugging him *ROFL* Yeah, right… I’m bugging you STILL don’t I?

* * * * *

(Updates!) My CPU might have been struck by lightning! Puki for that! Ha-ha! I was upset all night long. Lucky my bestie left his lappy at my place, hence I manage to do few browsing here and there :D when I woke up, got a MMS by Matthew :P A picture of him in the car, gonna miss him for the weekend; he’s going back to see his Mum and settles his car insurance thingy. Then I found this in deviantART :)

OH, I LOVE YOU!

I am Born Retarded XD

2008-04-08T08:54:00.006+08:00

I’m retarded. Follow me now, “You’re retarded, you’re retarded…” keep saying that three times yeah! Gosh, am bored. At the moment am sitting at home alone, listening to my latest favorite song, Drink in My Hand by The Classic Crime. Last Friday I cried. For a reason of course, which one might say a stupid one? I miss Mr. Luttrell. I miss him a lot. Even if I’ve been staying up till almost 6 or 7 at the office coz of the heavy rains, my day would be perfect with him accompanying me.

Indeed I have fallen again and again… But I hope this would be a never-ending feeling. A million miles away, and yet, he’s holding my heart. With just a “Lol, hey! *hugs*” would made me smile. A *pats your head* or *hugs you from behind tightly and kisses you* would calm me down. Yes, this entry is all about him. So close this page if you feel like throwing out – coz whether you like it or not, I love him… And I’m gonna blabber about him, him and him alone today :D

Ha! His hair is longer than the last time, aite? Teehee XD and what I love the most is the fact that he’s fucking SMILING!! Bahaha! Sayang adorable, do you know that? And still, you do look gay :P *HUGS, baby*

I don’t know why I’m writing this piece and posting em up. Maybe coz I’m extra-hyper today? Bah! Well baby, you should be glad to be able to do that to me…! Not many man could *WINK* And now I’m wondering whether this entry would be long or short buy sweet. Sweet?! What I’m I thinking? *LOL* Ouh, alright! Mr. Luttrell, this entry is for you. And yes, it could be sweet and mushy or could make u step back from me and facing sideways and puke! XD either way, I did this for myself.

And I made a list for you, Mr. Luttrell! A list of all the things I love about you, here it goes;

You look adorably GAY! Well, not really lah sayang :P the first time I went to your page, I saw the black and white picture… And you look rather, how should I put it…? (Giving you a smirk; trying to figure out a normal word so people won’t find out I’m different LOL!)

Honestly, you look like a nerdy, young man who’s awkwardly perceived by others; you look like a psychopath too. WHICH turns me on? SERIOUSLY! I mean, here I am thinking there’s more to this guy than just that look he got there…

Ouh, and how I love teasing you saying you’re such a gay! And you would reply with a XD or x_x and you’re my only sheep! Bah :D

Just when I ask you, “So how’s your day at work, sayang?” – You would reply, “Work sucks…” and started blabbering about your boss, those fucked up workers, etc. Seeing you typing THAT fast; nagging 120 words per minute makes me giggled over here...

And how you corrected every one of my grammar mistakes, and what I spelt wrongly… (you just have to accept that I’m much dumber than any other girls you’ve met)

How you manage to say “saya cinta kamu” – “no, you’re gatal” – “puki” and “bodoh?”

The way you touch me, every move you made, properly figured out; every step, every inch of me – Ouh I could go on and on flaunting about that… But I guess others won’t have to know that right?

Its cute when you could write everything in that letter you sent to me by mail, instead of “Now, I don’t want my baby to go hungry…”

You’re being you is what I always adore on someone… And believe me when I say NOBODY is perfect *LOL* (throwing it sarcastically on you!) And so what if you keep ranting about your appearance, your fucked up financial, your wrongly-made decisions, your dislikes (yes, even if it’s on me and the things I do to annoy you, LMAO), your orientation (teehee XD I really don’t mind LOL!), your wobble playing table, your ugly painted models and how such a “loser” you said you are… and I wish I could shove it to your face by saying;

“This pisses me off! I love you and I don’t care all that! So why would you care and think what others would say?! Just fucking leave it alone and fuck me instead! Ouh, here’s the rope and don’t forget the spanking!”

XD See, told you I’m fucking retarded. *LOL* now, you just have to believe me :D

My Baby Shot Me Down!

2008-03-25T14:14:00.016+08:00

As mentioned last week, Saturday is my first ever wedding shooting-session. And it went like hell, for me of course *LOL* There’s so many reasoning I could list up here; such as my camera works wonderful outside, rather than indoor. Secondly, I don’t have any speedlight to support my camera – which makes me snap all my pictures using low-light and not to mention the slow shutter speed, shaky BABY! Thirdly, there’s too much noise and too many blur pictures caused by all the above reasons :P

I don’t know whether my theories are true or not, but that’s that. And I realized something that day, I enjoy taking pictures of objects, children and outdoor of course. Oh yeah, and food photography too. NOT taking picture of people EATING food. We’re supposed to have an outdoor photo-session after ‘bersanding' ceremony, but it was raining heavily as usual. *GRR* Covering a wedding event is tiring, and if it can’t be done single-handedly. The least is two. And out of all the pictures I’ve taken, here are few of them that I really love watching and showing.

Ayu & Sayuti as the Bride & Groom :D

And of course the kids who made me smile constantly :)

Few of the objects that aren’t running away from me, LOL!

Bahaha! You could see more of them at my DeviantART gallery.

It was a wedding ceremony for Ayu (Air Asia stewardess) and Sayuti Zahit (Malaysian Rider). I even met my UiTM friend, Kak Yana! Eventually she’s related to the groom :) And she’s married now with a daughter aged around 1 or so. Bah! Now I wonder who I would be married to… Wish I could go to Missouri right now, grab and drag him to a chapel! Yes, you! *WINK*

After the wedding ceremony we all went to Leos, Ampang Park. And I finally got my own tripod! YAY! It costs me RM 60, thanks for Judo who’s doing the entire bargain – plus a LCD sticker protector for my D40 screen. Speedlight would cost me around RM 450-480. Do I really need a speedlight? Perhaps I do, though I don’t fancy it. Well, hope I’ll win a lottery tomorrow! ;) Ah, even better now… Teddy kindly offered me to pay half of the price I’m paying! Goodness, bless you, Teddy! *HUGS* before you guys out there start thinking negatively, STOP! Bah, he’s a good friend trying to help another friend ok… Quit having such a small, absurd mind.

Dinner’s my treat at a cafe (can’t remember the name) in the plaza itself – a big booth near an escalator. Good food indeed and not too pricey. I had Black Pepper Chicken Chop and Mocha Kiss Ice Blended :D Awesome with whipped cream, sprinkles of choc rice, extra pinches of coffee inside the blended mocha and few crushed choc chips! *MOUTH WATERS!* Ok, too much! It’s not that good, so stop craving Bella!

Are you looking for a photographer for yourself or your relatives, products nor food? Drop us a message and we’ll talk business :D Bahaha! You can click on Fazli Judo, Haniee Judo and Omar Bahrin’s link at the sidebar on your right, or just drop me an email at sister_of_heaven@yahoo.com and we’ll contact you! Whoa, I’m not joking… and I’ve made a business card design! Tell me what you think!

Naked As We Came

2008-03-21T14:35:00.005+08:00

That’s a song title, by Iron and Wine – Grey’s Anatomy OST. And I’m listening to it right now. To those who were looking for something perverted being written up here, go someplace else. I’m not here to entertain you.

Yesterday was a public holiday here in Malaysia. I woke up as usual at 7.30am, doing some artistic writing early in the morning. Artistic, indeed. Bahaha! Well, it does let all my imaginations run wild. Thanks to Matthew though for this. Ha-ha! Around noon, went out with Amie to Summit, USJ for a movie.

Be-Kind Rewind – Jack Black & Mos Def; that’s what we watch. It’s a good movie for me, but to those who can’t really get their jokes, they gonna say it’s a horrible one perhaps? After that we went to our favorite DVD shop and I bought 5 DVDs, free 1 and another extra for redeeming the stamped card I collected. So I got 7 DVDs for the price of RM 40! Wee! I bought:

· Michael Clayton – coz George Clooney was in it! And it’s about lawyer stuffy :D

· Feast of Love – coz there’s Morgan Freeman!! And yes, another ‘Love Perspective’ story.

· Jane Austen Book Club – coz of Jane Austen? Nah! I’ve been eyeing that DVD for months now :)

· Revolver – Amie took this one, coz of Jason Statham and I didn’t realize there’s Ray Liotta in it! I swear if I noticed it before, I WON’T TOOK IT! And I watch it yesterday, I HATE it! Ha-ha! Love mostly the part where Andre Benjamin and Vincent Pastore talks to Jason, but yeah; I could easily figure out the plot. I force myself watching it till the end just to prove myself that I’m damn right on who’s the real mastermind are.

· We Own The Night – Mark Walberg, man! Eva Mendes too… Ha-ha! Police, mafia, drug.

· Freedom Writers – based on true story; what else could I want? Inspirational, indeed.

· Bella’s Amnesia – about a girl; Bella who forgot what the last DVD she took yesterday!

I tried my best to remember the last DVD! But I can’t. Ha-ha! Pardon me for the cliché. I think it’s either a drama or a love story. Definitely NOT another Indie film. If so, I would remember. Tomorrow I will go to a wedding photo-shooting session with Judo, Haniee and Omar. Teehee! Never did a wedding shooting before. This gonna be the first! Hope everything would be fine! Wish us luck!

And have a lovely weekend to you guys out there!

Freebies!

2008-03-19T13:08:00.015+08:00

As few of my friends knew, I headed to Cineleisure Damansara right after work for my Advertlets event. Why? I won an entry for my blog on Ah Long Pte Ltd contest run by Advertlets.com. 2 passes to watch the hilarious Singapore + Malaysia movie :) and who else would I bring to accompany me none other than my bestie, Amie :D and that's both of our arms!

To added things up, Josh Lim (Advertlets founder) splurge all the winners with a buffet dinner at Tony Roma’s before going to the movie at 9.30pm! It surely brings a BIG smile to me and my bestie, of course; since we both love to eat *LOL* Pity since I haven’t got my lens from Omar, I borrowed by company’s digital Panasonic Lumix instead; which I never would prefer using em elsewhere. So here are some of the pictures I took yesterday – nothing to be proud of though.

Ok, fine... I'm too lazy to upload pics :P

After eating from 7pm to 9.10pm, there’s a sing-a-birthday-song session for Advertlets who turns one year last night :D and there’s cute cupcakes with Advertlets logo on em :D and of course, photo session with the cast from Ah Long Pte Ltd :D Daniel Tan, KK Wong and an adorable 16-years old new comer, baah! Can’t remember her name :P pardon me, dear -_-” Nope, I don’t take photos with them. Am not that eager lah… Ouh, and there’s a LOT of pretty amoi too!!

Snap a picture of Amie’s face when he looked at em… Ha-ha!

The movie was hilarious! Sort of like My Wife Is a Gangster kinda thingy BUT with our own Singapore + Malaysia style! All and all, it was FUN! :D Advertlets, you guys ROCKS! :P

Agagaga! Sinful Mumtaz naan :D

After screening with started 9.30pm – almost 12am, we both went to Moksin (idk whether the spelling is right or not) at TTDI for our ‘mapley-lepak’ session *GRINS* Afterwards, he went up to his office for a while, whilst me waiting in the car talking to Azmir on the phone bout his dad newest blog that me and my bosses love ALL so much! I got back home around 2.30am :D

Happy Maulidur Rasul to Muslims tomorrow! (holiday for me, LOL!)

DARN HIATUS!

2008-03-14T17:05:00.003+08:00

And I miss everyone. Yes, everyone! I moved to a new house. Even nearer to my office. And yet STILL I’m late at times! Ha-ha! Last week I got a fever. Probably got it from my bestie, Amie. Bah, am sure I got it from him! And it lasted for a week… I was thinking to write blogs and post em when am in the office, since the new house got no internet connection – which would be another problem to be thinking about, either Maxis broadband a must? Then, my weary PC when blank! *LOL* too much pressuring her after the menu I designed for the cafe I guess.

Now am thinking of buying a lappy [laptop]. Yes, I hate lappies, but I think it’s more convenient and less space-consuming. Out of bore-ness, Amie went back to Klang and took his 29” TV and Philips DVD player and put em at my place! Happy I am :D now I can watch my beloved Danny Crane and Alan Shore over and over again :) and finally now perhaps a PS2? So I could drive as fast as I wanted and make my way in the Police RAP LIST [NFS Most Wanted – Black Edition].

As for the politics in Malaysia, I think it’s fucked up. I haven’t seen any ups yet. Everyone wants to be in the front page. Monkeys. I hate stupid monkeys. I could agree with Beck Zaidan on few of our so-called “politic discussions”. Most voters are using their empty, stupid brain – located on their dicks! And not to mention, their dickhead’s are puny! [According to Beck] and I may add; they only got one ball hanging rather than two! What were they thinking? I hate Pak Lah’s ruling, I love Mahathir coz I was raised under his ruling and I saw how great Malaysia has changed. And there was not a single petty problem raised about races. Mahathir is firm, and he’s optimistic, great thinker as well. I’ll forever would looked up to him *YAY*

But as much as I hate Pak Lah [hate is a strong word; but I really really really don’t like you :D], I’m not THAT stupid to believe in the opposition parties would promise things like a more reduce petrol prices, no tolls, free parking fees and free higher learning quality whatsoever? Are all these things doable? The answer is YES! It is doable. JUST FOR A WHILE. And where the heck they gonna come up with the money to maintain and upgrade the facilities? I don’t wanna see all the cracks and holes all over those black-silky-tarred roads! Petrol prices, aren’t they controlled nationwide price? I know they’re not stupid… They studied well enough; they know how to get things around. All I can say now is BREAK A LEG! To those stupid people who voted for them JUST because of their promises, you’re a stupid monkey! Don’t be too narrow-minded la kawan… Think things far! And don’t get me started by saying there’s too much corruption in our old politics. Every politic is a never-ending mental playground, once you have power, corruption is just one of the temptations included in the package!

Congrats to all the winners, and next time may luck be with you for the unfortunates. And as for me, I’ll surely be watching this country from now on. *CLAPS* and to all the monkeys, stop acting like one. You guys made me puke :D and I can’t believe I put an entry on politics! Double-YUCK!

To my friends, I’ll be in hiatus – on and off, since I didn’t have a permanent internet connection yet. Just leave a shout on my chat box!

Have a great Friday!

And to my mum, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA!!

BELLA PTE LTD!

2008-03-13T17:24:00.005+08:00

Where did Ah Long got all the money to lend others in “need”? That one heck of a question I couldn’t answer. I could make ugly assumptions where they got it from… But would any Ah Long read what I’m writing here? *LOL* Better marry me rather than killing, lor… I could be a sexy, seductive Ah Long wifey for sure!

What would you do if you were an Ah Long? Funny when I started to think about this… And I blame Advertlets [http://www.advertlets.com/] to put the blame on! Naughty them for dirtying my mind today with violence… don’t they know am a shy and polite lady? *ROFL*

I listed some few points that darted my mind this afternoon:

· Dragon tattoo – surely a MUST! No Ah Long without a tattoo… And dragon symbolized “Ah Long” right?! Sure other men Ah Longs in Puchong area head over heels for me!

· Nippon Odour-Less paint - so all my workers could splash those red paints in style! And even write “garang” notes to our “loyal-terpaksa committed” customers *EVIL GRIN* as for why I’m gonna use that paint, coz my workers sure got spelling problem! Looking at their stickers sometimes made me laugh.

· Who needs a cleaver to chop people now? Use barber razors like Sweeney Todd is much cooler :D ouh did I say my workers need to learn to dance and sing while killing? Bahaha!

· Wear spectacles thick frames so they look nerdy at times… and harmless of course… we need to project as good image as possible so our customers would dare to lend money from us *SMIRK*

· The biggest thing to do as an Ah Long is to compete with Teresa Kok for Puchong voting next season! For sure Teresa Kok can’t beat me after that *LOL* [help, am going out of my mind!!] Me and my workers will be waiting for everyone outside the classroom or hall and force them to “pangkah” for us! HAHAHA!!

FREAK = AWKWARD?

2008-02-16T13:31:00.013+08:00

And I have been looking for this DVD for a few months now, but they don’t sell even the pirated ones if it’s hardly making into box-office listings. Yes, it’s BELLA – “Sooner or later every one of us will face an irreversible moment that will change our lives forever. If it hasn't happened to you yet...it will. BELLA is a true love story about how one day in New York City changed three people forever.”

And thanks to this website my brother gave to me yesterday [ http://www.watch-movies.net/ ], I started off this morning by watching it. I did cry for a few times. It’s not the type of story that you need to think too much, nor have a good audio system for the bang and the boom. You just need compassion in that heart of yours.

I can’t say I’m an indie-film whore, but when I do have those stories by my reach, I would definitely watch it. Yes, some may not like them… There are those with low quality of visual, or even “err… I don’t understand…” or “what a fucked up movie that is!” Whatever so on and so forth, I love them. There’s not much of a ‘fairy-tale’ like drama, no posers dancing around acting they were born cool, no heroes nor heroines who look too angelic, hot, stunning and lovely all the time…

These indie works are more of the REAL things in life. Some may be disturbed by Fur: an Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus for example. Which is too freaky for a normal thinker? Well, as from my opinion - they have the story to tell… but it didn’t really reach till within. How they NOT indulge deeper from what I imagine, somewhat; frustrated me.

Diane Arbus (March 14, 1923 – July 26, 1971) was an American photographer, noted for her portraits of people on the fringes of society, such as transvestites, dwarfs, giants, prostitutes, and ordinary citizens in unconventional poses and settings. If you never heard of her; Wiki her and her arts. And here’s a quote from her that made me say, “How can I NOT love her!”

[click on the pics for larger view]

"Freaks was a thing I photographed a lot. It was one of the first things I photographed and it had a terrific kind of excitement for me. I just used to adore them. I still do adore some of them. I don't quite mean they're my best friends but they made me feel a mixture of shame and awe. There's a quality of legend about freaks. Like a person in a fairy tale who stops you and demands that you answer a riddle. Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats."

- Diane Arbus

[click on the pics for larger view]

Too weird for you guys out there? Well here’s a rain check; she’s REAL. She lives and dies. Those people you call freaks, nerds, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, weird fetishes or any of those categories in that same root of AWKWARDNESS are supposed to burn in Hell or die because having them around brings shame to this world? Oh, please…!

And who are you to judge her, me or anyone at all? One thing for sure; normal is boring.

Single Awareness Day [S.A.D]

2008-02-15T15:50:00.005+08:00

Bouquet of roses, big teddy bears, boxes of chocolate… The normal thing we do to show the appreciation of Love and thanks to our beloved. Nice, isn’t it? Some say it’s sweet. Most would say, “There goes half of my salary this month!” And when I say I don’t really care much about yesterday, how would you perceive me then? Someone who’s sadly unlucky for not having a boyfriend to spend a day with? Why if so, I still got few of my male friends asked me before – but I politely said “Sorry, but no.”

What? Now you think I’m just pure jealous? Ha-ha! Never assume me to be one for not celebrating Valentine. Honestly, the only important dates that I would rather not being alone are my birthday and Christmas. Other than that, I’m practically fine sitting alone in my room, taking pictures, writing and drawing or reading. And I don’t need a doctor for this Valentine-malfunction. *ROFL* and my heart works absolutely magnificent more than ever *SMILES*

So, what this S.A.D all about? It stands for Single Awareness Day – a day that all of the single people can proudly stand up and show that it is OKAY to be single! blabbered this month by the Morning Crew, Rudy & JJ. It’s a good thing though. And tonight, they’re throwing out a party for those who celebrating SAD. It would be held at Retro Club @ Jalan P.Ramlee. Free admission and the theme is ‘Single and ready to mingle’ – guys; wear tie and girls; bow. Me? I don’t know. More likely not going, since I’m not into party and stuffy. But I’m into Rudy. *LOL* if you only know, the things I would do… ha-ha!

IF I can get my hands on you… IF!

The Rat Race

2008-02-11T10:10:00.000+08:00

Sorry for not wishing a Happy Chinese New Year to all my friends who’s celebrating it. Probably to me too; if my grandma is alive still. She’s a Chinese brought up by Malay; at least I got half of it in my blood. Year of the Rat. And there’s only one person in my mind who’s born under this year; and I do hope he’s having a blast this year. By looking at him, I know he is blooming pretty well *SMILES*

A friend forwarded me a text message, which wrote this;

“A woman has strengths that amaze men. She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens. She holds happiness, love and opinions. She smiles when she feels like screaming. She sings when she feels like crying, she cries when she’s happy and laughs when she’s afraid. Her love is unconditional. Here’s only one thing wrong with her, she sometimes forgets what she is worth…”

I was in awe whilst reading it. It was utterly lovely and heart-warming since perhaps I needed those kinds of words to be thrown to me… Letting me know I’m as precious as the Ring – which drives the adorable Gollum into madness. How many women out there are in love with jerks? Seriously even me; just to sum it up. A man before me stated; everybody loves a jerk – it’s a bittersweet thingy. As arrogant as he might have claimed it; sort of proud of himself being a jerk – perchance at a certain percent; he was right.

Those jerks made us women tougher by the sufferings we have to endure. Those jerks made us more mature in making decisions, a knowledge which teachers never taught us in school. Those jerks drew a line in relationships and bend it like hell; so that we realize how strong we ought to become. And those jerks taught us to be humane; feelings of love, care, angry, frustration, rejection, taught us how a man looks at a woman, taught us to be more dependable on our own selves. Taught us there are no imaginary fairy-tale happy endings, there’s no image of a perfect man to be married to; unless we love him for all he is and accept for all the flaws he possess.

This is just another silly rambling of mine, which you could just read it or toss it. This is a rambling which in a way, thanked YOU; the JERKS for making our lives a complicated one. And women out there, I know how much you could blabber about these foolish, unthankful jerks that ruined your lives… But you too got to agree with me at this end. Optimistically, if you ever looked into it; they did mold us into a better person. And I believe, I have removed the grudges and thank them instead.

And I miss you a lot this week. Yes, you. I miss you. *BLUSHES*

Razorblade Kisses

2008-02-04T23:36:00.000+08:00

“Destroy me to your liking
Dearest creature never let me go…”

Somehow the lyric caught my attention. Giving in to someone; letting them do whatever pleases them. It’s been a while since I last coddle myself into this kind of indulgence… More so, when it all sums up to the one person we love. Ah! How I miss that. Always knowing of being wanted, being THE obsession, simply; being needed.

I wish he’s here. And I don’t care whether the stars above are dying, I want him here. He makes me happy, and at the same time I’m scared we would end up buzzing our PM and didn’t know what else to say… That day could come soon, just don’t come around here yet. Not now. I love you, baby. And thanks for the comfort of telling me u got RATS at your house! I never wanna go there! *LOL* It’s almost midnight, and I’m missing you. Goodnight, love *BLUSHES*

A Room to Let

2008-01-31T10:35:00.000+08:00

Don’t you just love reading my problems? *LOL* as at this moment, I need a place to stay. I and the other tenants received a sudden notice from the house owner to move out latest before end of February. And my housemates are worried bout me, especially. Since I need to find a place around there still coz I don’t owned neither a car, motorcycle nor a bike (which I don’t even know how to ride em).

Been Google-ling all over and found a few ads thru the internet. And I texted almost every one of them. The answers would be room has been taken, the locations too far from my office. Except for this one tenant, Alicia Tan. She’s currently living with her boyfriend and looking for someone to rent the medium room of a double-storey house. They got a dog, a hush puppy breed… Ha-ha! Dogs I can handle I guess, but not cats. I hate cats. But she’s given me too many rules, which are can’t bring friends overnight, no smoking, must be clean etc. I can accept all of that since tidy up a room is not a problem and I don’t smoke, but what I cant is bringing friends overnight. I only got few friends and they tend to sleepover at least on weekends. Me and my girls. Either its Miza, or Ayu and even my little sister; Yana.

I went browsing last night with my bestie, to see the location of the house. A tad further than my old place and from my office, and it was more up-hill. Yes, I can walk that far. I love walking. But when it’s raining, there lies the problem. So I texted her again this morning, asking her to accept my change of rules; the overnight thingy… And I’m waiting still for her answer. I do hope she could accept that. I don’t let my friends linger all over the house; usually they come and stay in my room… Go out to KL and stuff, have a late snack, then go home to sleep. Told her all that, just wish she would be tolerate about it.

Anyone got rooms for me to let? Do tell me. Only around IOI Mall area, since I’m working opposite IOI Mall’s shop lots. Later, love! Toodles *FADE SMILE* crossing my fingers!

__________________________________

AND SHE SAID NO!! DAMN =(

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Your Call

2008-01-29T20:11:00.000+08:00

My condolence goes to Weeta and her family, as for the same day Pak Harto passed away, so does her grandfather; Aki Euchup (correct me if I’m wrong). I didn’t see her online today; perhaps she took a day off from work. She’s been thru a lot lately, and I do hope she’ll be brave with every step that she takes. *Al-Fatihah…*

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Last night Ted sent me a text message telling me that he might be on air over an interview with TV3 on his career as one of Malaysia’s Professional Photographer; the Lighting Sifu (correct me if I’m wrong again). It’s on MHI, Malaysia Hari Ini around 7-7.30 am. Sadly, I was not able to watch it since I don’t have that stupid media box. There’s this one dude who upload it but it only lasted for 1 minute. Talked to Ted, and he said he would be uploading the full length video later on, after he received the softcopy of that interview. When, I do not know… But I hope TV3 would be quick about it *WINK* as from me, “You go go gooo, Teddy!!” 38 years old he is; and achieves all these. Though some people may compare to any other photographers from another country, but what the heck? He’s Malaysian. And I’m proud having him here. Ha-ha! So as well as Anna Joe and so forth. They’re growing like mushrooms, aren’t they? And I often wonder what would I’m able to achieve when I was on my early 40’s.

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As soon as I got my salary for this month, I’m gonna go to a gynecologist for a medical check-up… And I forced Amie to accompany me. Just incase something happens. Haa~ could I talk about death here? No? Well, few keep scolding me just to mention about it. Ha-ha! And I donno what’s wrong with having a thought of it. We all gonna die in the end. It’s either sooner or later, true? So why it’s a taboo just to talk about that particular subject? Well, as for now, just let me have these thoughts shared in my mind only. We’ll talk about this, LATER, when I’m almost dying? *LOL*

What with this entire page break lines? *LOL* idk, I feel like wanting to draw lines on my blog, I think. Ok, my mind is blank today. That’s it. That’s the truth. Until there’s anything interesting that I would love to share, my blog gonna be like this. Utter nonsense and gibberish talking. Ouh, I went to Becky’s (http://fendyzaidan.com) blog last night. It was only pictures now. *SIGH* I miss his writings. The way he put the words… The sarcastic intonation of his sentence always makes me laugh (whenever those writings does not imply to me at all, of course). Well, whatever he chooses to do, its all up to him in the end.

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A little announcement here, I might say. I AM AWAY FROM MYSPACE, FRIENDSTER, and FACEBOOK. There will be no flirting invitations, nor accepting one. Not at the moment. I think I need to set a side a time of my own; for my DeviantArt, for my DVDs and for my blogs and books. Whenever you feel like talking to me, PM me. That’s all; though that too I would probably lessen the length of it. I don’t feel like wasting my time too much on those thingy when my life here isn’t that pleasant to be remembered when all I could recall of doing are onlining and chatting 24/7.

I Wanna Save You :)

2008-01-28T12:30:00.000+08:00

I had something going on last Saturday. I went out for a walk and didn’t pick up anyone’s call. Few people got worried. He’s worried, worried sick of me. Sending me few text messages asking me to go home at an instant… And of course, I did. I just need to clear my head, I guess. Been having this “always wanting something more” reasoning to me. *SIGH* but then again, did you girls out there wants something more too? Everyone, in a stage wanted something more…

And so, I quoted from http://askbrady.wordpress.com/ on what he gotta say about all this.

“I know all you guys out there are looking for the next “casual fling”. The girl you can hang around, have a really great time with, take to bed, and not have to commit to. It seems like that works for a few weeks, then the girl “goes psycho” and gets possessive. This turns you off and you break ties with said hottie. All the while you blame it on the girl, not thinking that it’s your actions that
make her become all possessive. But, that’s our problems isn’t it guys - we don’t think.

I’ll tell you, women are just as interested in sex as men. A huge number of girls are also looking for something more casual, which works in your favor. The problem is most of us - men don’t know how to NOT ACT LIKE A BOYFRIEND. We’ll call more than a few times a week, thinking we need to keep the girl happy. Get a clue, guys; if you act like her boyfriend she’ll come to think of you as her boyfriend. If you act like all you’re in it for is sex, she won’t have any more expectation.”

But I don’t want every single person act as if all they want from me is sex. I do need to be love, to be needed, to have their attention… I WANT ALL THAT. And I’m sorry if I ever sort of suffocated few out there with my behavior. Perhaps deep inside I’m just as lonely as… as… as anyone whose lonely lah! Ha-ha! And I was immediately feeling down when I read what Matthew wrote to me. Something about all those wanting more from him issues. Not that he’s being too harsh, but I’ve been getting that lately from few men that I’ve been dating. As if I was wrong for asking it from them who said they *LOVE* me…

I cried for a few seconds while I’m webby cam with him. I don’t think he noticed, since the camera was kinda lag few seconds. But I did. I cried. Then I told him I was going out for lunch, which I wasn’t. I just went out and walk by myself for hours. Thinking whether there’s something wrong with me, or I was like any other women out there… Somehow he did found out, thanks to my “sweet” friend who’s worried looking for me and PM him instead. Baah! And NO, I’m not suicidal if any of you out there thinks I am so. LOL!

I chatted with him when I got home. He’s freaking worried, I can tell. We ended our conversation, awesomely. Don’t we, baby? Ha-ha! Thanks for everything you’ve said afterwards, for being worried sick for me. Ouh and yes… as long as we’re not a couple we can go screwing around! *ROFL* and yes, I can be sure you won’t once you’re attached with me… You’re my nerdy, kinky, white sheep… you’re my freaking drug… my type of heroin [sucky pick-up line, baah!]. Mine and MINE only!

“And she wants someone to see her

She needs to hear she’s beautiful

She’s beautiful

I want to save you, I want to save you

I need you, Save me too

I want to save you”

And I think of him whenever I hear this song. I Wanna Save You by Something Corporate. And he likes that song too. *SMILES* Love you, baby! There, I said it again and again *HUGS*

When the Moonlight Shines

2008-01-24T11:56:00.000+08:00

“I lately been having night terrors…” – quoted by Alan Shore, another character that I love other than Danny Crane himself in Boston Legal. Thank the Lord that I don’t have anything like that, coz if I do, I’ll be long falling down from my apartment. But I do have nightmares. One that lately since last year occurs too many at a time. Last night, I beheaded others. Yes, I cut off the head of others; which by the way, I know them in real life. There in my hand lies the head of my dad, mum, perhaps even my siblings (which I can’t recall), and I did saw Amie’s head too. And still my other hand couldn’t stop cutting other people’s throats. I saw Weeta too, and she saw what I did. She ran, of course. And NO, I don’t kill her.

Last month, I dreamt of some lesbo push me down to drown me. I was nearly dying, and then I woke up! I was gasping for air after that. Some said if you died in your dreams, means you’re really dead? Is that true, I wonder… Today, I chit-chattering with Weeta… Let’s not talk about it here… Read her blog, if you wanna know and I do hope she’ll be alright. *HUGS* sayang! Kinda tired with all the office work today and I just wanna go home and rest. But then, I read Lala’s blog… She’s broken up with her boyfriend. So I guess I need to stay online at home, to know whether she’s ok or not.

I got home around 6pm, have a shower, and go online. Matthew love was there *SMILES* I would usually start our conversation by saying something silly, and he would “LOL” and “hey!” And here, in my room, I would imagine him chuckles and smiles… Then, a warm-fuzzy feeling would always come right after that. For a few second, it calms me down. All of my stress from work, it vanished in an instant. Oh how I love what he does to me… We talked, we had few normal arguments. He, not liking Myspace… me wanting more attention *BLEHH* Yes, yes, I can get pretty annoying at times… Only the strongest will survive! Ha-ha!

Talked to Lala, she was fine. Eventually, her boyfriend doesn’t wanna break up with her. I laughed when she told me that. Remembered the time when I was in high-school myself. Me and my ex, Naim… We coupled three times for three years. Funny when I think about it. Monkey love, you know… *CHUCKLES* Then she said she’d be right back; having herself a shower. And did you know who came in to chat with me after that? Lana! Lala’s sister. Been sooo freaking long I didn’t see her online in Myspace. More so, after she got engaged with her boyfriend and they promised not to online there anymore.

And she gave me 31 pictures of her and the “hantaran” on her engagement day. She asked me to edit them, whichever that would suit the best. This is seriously my first time of editing wedding-like pictures, and I don’t know what I’m doing, LOL! But here are some I did tonight *SMILES* do tell me what you think?

a bit too emo for an engagement picture? but i like it :D

and she is lovely :D

some of the hantaran that i manage to combine in one pic :D

This midnight; HAPPY 23RD BIRTHDAY TO NAZMY :) January 25, 2008

An Infidelity Journey

Day 9 : A Photo of the Item You Last Purchased

Day 8 : A Song That Match Your Mood

Day 7 : Your Dream Wedding

Day 6: A Photo of an Animal You’d Love to Keep as a Pet

Day 5 : A Picture of Something You Want to do Before You Die

Day 4 : Your Favorite Photograph of Your Best Friend

Day 3 : Your Idea for Perfect First Date

Day 2 :Your Favorite Movie

Day 1 - Your Favourite Song

30 THINGS IN 30 DAYS CHALLENGE !

Thousand and One First Impressions

For The Women – Colored, White; you’re all the same.

The Importance of Being Idle

Life is Simple

They're Backkkk!

bye bye blogspot :)

It's a WRAP - Part 2!

It's a WRAP - Part 1!

Constant Surprises

To Have Loved and Lost

A Lot Like Love

25 Fun Facts of Bella

Meme Me *smiles*

Deeper Conversation

Alfie : "See, compliments when least expected"

The Soulful

Two, Double O and a Nine :D

Blogthings.com

I Heard Love is Blind

Tagged by Cik Cha :)

Ramadhan Recap =.=

What Love Is?

Double Penetration

ACK! Hormone Imbalance >.<

But at the moment, THIS is living!

How I Miss You :)

What Makes Me Happy?

Daddy’s Big Girl :)

TIOMAN TEASER :p

And Go Your Own Way :)

Details In Fabric Lyrics

Err!

Why I Am Not Engaged?

Damien, My New Love <3

Pretty Woman :)

I am Born Retarded XD

My Baby Shot Me Down!

Naked As We Came

Freebies!

DARN HIATUS!

BELLA PTE LTD!

FREAK = AWKWARD?

Single Awareness Day [S.A.D]

The Rat Race

Razorblade Kisses

A Room to Let

Your Call

I Wanna Save You :)

When the Moonlight Shines

Meme Me smiles