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About

"Welcome to this humble realm of mine. Where all my thoughts, heart spills, drama and about my single passion; photography is here. Feel free to leave messages, positive critism are always warmly welcomed.

Do contact me if you're looking a photographer for hire :) And I'll do my best to record the precious moments! Hello, I'm Bella; and you are?"

Let's Talky !


A Room to Let January 31, 2008 |


Don’t you just love reading my problems? *LOL* as at this moment, I need a place to stay. I and the other tenants received a sudden notice from the house owner to move out latest before end of February. And my housemates are worried bout me, especially. Since I need to find a place around there still coz I don’t owned neither a car, motorcycle nor a bike (which I don’t even know how to ride em).

Been Google-ling all over and found a few ads thru the internet. And I texted almost every one of them. The answers would be room has been taken, the locations too far from my office. Except for this one tenant, Alicia Tan. She’s currently living with her boyfriend and looking for someone to rent the medium room of a double-storey house. They got a dog, a hush puppy breed… Ha-ha! Dogs I can handle I guess, but not cats. I hate cats. But she’s given me too many rules, which are can’t bring friends overnight, no smoking, must be clean etc. I can accept all of that since tidy up a room is not a problem and I don’t smoke, but what I cant is bringing friends overnight. I only got few friends and they tend to sleepover at least on weekends. Me and my girls. Either its Miza, or Ayu and even my little sister; Yana.

I went browsing last night with my bestie, to see the location of the house. A tad further than my old place and from my office, and it was more up-hill. Yes, I can walk that far. I love walking. But when it’s raining, there lies the problem. So I texted her again this morning, asking her to accept my change of rules; the overnight thingy… And I’m waiting still for her answer. I do hope she could accept that. I don’t let my friends linger all over the house; usually they come and stay in my room… Go out to KL and stuff, have a late snack, then go home to sleep. Told her all that, just wish she would be tolerate about it.

Anyone got rooms for me to let? Do tell me. Only around IOI Mall area, since I’m working opposite IOI Mall’s shop lots. Later, love! Toodles *FADE SMILE* crossing my fingers!

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AND SHE SAID NO!! DAMN =(
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Your Call January 29, 2008 |


My condolence goes to Weeta and her family, as for the same day Pak Harto passed away, so does her grandfather; Aki Euchup (correct me if I’m wrong). I didn’t see her online today; perhaps she took a day off from work. She’s been thru a lot lately, and I do hope she’ll be brave with every step that she takes. *Al-Fatihah…*

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Last night Ted sent me a text message telling me that he might be on air over an interview with TV3 on his career as one of Malaysia’s Professional Photographer; the Lighting Sifu (correct me if I’m wrong again). It’s on MHI, Malaysia Hari Ini around 7-7.30 am. Sadly, I was not able to watch it since I don’t have that stupid media box. There’s this one dude who upload it but it only lasted for 1 minute. Talked to Ted, and he said he would be uploading the full length video later on, after he received the softcopy of that interview. When, I do not know… But I hope TV3 would be quick about it *WINK* as from me, “You go go gooo, Teddy!!” 38 years old he is; and achieves all these. Though some people may compare to any other photographers from another country, but what the heck? He’s Malaysian. And I’m proud having him here. Ha-ha! So as well as Anna Joe and so forth. They’re growing like mushrooms, aren’t they? And I often wonder what would I’m able to achieve when I was on my early 40’s.

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As soon as I got my salary for this month, I’m gonna go to a gynecologist for a medical check-up… And I forced Amie to accompany me. Just incase something happens. Haa~ could I talk about death here? No? Well, few keep scolding me just to mention about it. Ha-ha! And I donno what’s wrong with having a thought of it. We all gonna die in the end. It’s either sooner or later, true? So why it’s a taboo just to talk about that particular subject? Well, as for now, just let me have these thoughts shared in my mind only. We’ll talk about this, LATER, when I’m almost dying? *LOL*


What with this entire page break lines? *LOL* idk, I feel like wanting to draw lines on my blog, I think. Ok, my mind is blank today. That’s it. That’s the truth. Until there’s anything interesting that I would love to share, my blog gonna be like this. Utter nonsense and gibberish talking. Ouh, I went to Becky’s (http://fendyzaidan.com) blog last night. It was only pictures now. *SIGH* I miss his writings. The way he put the words… The sarcastic intonation of his sentence always makes me laugh (whenever those writings does not imply to me at all, of course). Well, whatever he chooses to do, its all up to him in the end.

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A little announcement here, I might say. I AM AWAY FROM MYSPACE, FRIENDSTER, and FACEBOOK. There will be no flirting invitations, nor accepting one. Not at the moment. I think I need to set a side a time of my own; for my DeviantArt, for my DVDs and for my blogs and books. Whenever you feel like talking to me, PM me. That’s all; though that too I would probably lessen the length of it. I don’t feel like wasting my time too much on those thingy when my life here isn’t that pleasant to be remembered when all I could recall of doing are onlining and chatting 24/7.

I Wanna Save You :) January 28, 2008 |


I had something going on last Saturday. I went out for a walk and didn’t pick up anyone’s call. Few people got worried. He’s worried, worried sick of me. Sending me few text messages asking me to go home at an instant… And of course, I did. I just need to clear my head, I guess. Been having this “always wanting something more” reasoning to me. *SIGH* but then again, did you girls out there wants something more too? Everyone, in a stage wanted something more…

And so, I quoted from http://askbrady.wordpress.com/ on what he gotta say about all this.

“I know all you guys out there are looking for the next “casual fling”. The girl you can hang around, have a really great time with, take to bed, and not have to commit to. It seems like that works for a few weeks, then the girl “goes psycho” and gets possessive. This turns you off and you break ties with said hottie. All the while you blame it on the girl, not thinking that it’s your actions that
make her become all possessive. But, that’s our problems isn’t it guys - we don’t think.

I’ll tell you, women are just as interested in sex as men. A huge number of girls are also looking for something more casual, which works in your favor. The problem is most of us - men don’t know how to NOT ACT LIKE A BOYFRIEND. We’ll call more than a few times a week, thinking we need to keep the girl happy. Get a clue, guys; if you act like her boyfriend she’ll come to think of you as her boyfriend. If you act like all you’re in it for is sex, she won’t have any more expectation.”



But I don’t want every single person act as if all they want from me is sex. I do need to be love, to be needed, to have their attention… I WANT ALL THAT. And I’m sorry if I ever sort of suffocated few out there with my behavior. Perhaps deep inside I’m just as lonely as… as… as anyone whose lonely lah! Ha-ha! And I was immediately feeling down when I read what Matthew wrote to me. Something about all those wanting more from him issues. Not that he’s being too harsh, but I’ve been getting that lately from few men that I’ve been dating. As if I was wrong for asking it from them who said they *LOVE* me…

I cried for a few seconds while I’m webby cam with him. I don’t think he noticed, since the camera was kinda lag few seconds. But I did. I cried. Then I told him I was going out for lunch, which I wasn’t. I just went out and walk by myself for hours. Thinking whether there’s something wrong with me, or I was like any other women out there… Somehow he did found out, thanks to my “sweet” friend who’s worried looking for me and PM him instead. Baah! And NO, I’m not suicidal if any of you out there thinks I am so. LOL!

I chatted with him when I got home. He’s freaking worried, I can tell. We ended our conversation, awesomely. Don’t we, baby? Ha-ha! Thanks for everything you’ve said afterwards, for being worried sick for me. Ouh and yes… as long as we’re not a couple we can go screwing around! *ROFL* and yes, I can be sure you won’t once you’re attached with me… You’re my nerdy, kinky, white sheep… you’re my freaking drug… my type of heroin [sucky pick-up line, baah!]. Mine and MINE only!

“And she wants someone to see her
She needs to hear she’s beautiful
She’s beautiful
I want to save you, I want to save you
I need you, Save me too
I want to save you”


And I think of him whenever I hear this song. I Wanna Save You by Something Corporate. And he likes that song too. *SMILES* Love you, baby! There, I said it again and again *HUGS*

When the Moonlight Shines January 24, 2008 |


“I lately been having night terrors…” – quoted by Alan Shore, another character that I love other than Danny Crane himself in Boston Legal. Thank the Lord that I don’t have anything like that, coz if I do, I’ll be long falling down from my apartment. But I do have nightmares. One that lately since last year occurs too many at a time. Last night, I beheaded others. Yes, I cut off the head of others; which by the way, I know them in real life. There in my hand lies the head of my dad, mum, perhaps even my siblings (which I can’t recall), and I did saw Amie’s head too. And still my other hand couldn’t stop cutting other people’s throats. I saw Weeta too, and she saw what I did. She ran, of course. And NO, I don’t kill her.

Last month, I dreamt of some lesbo push me down to drown me. I was nearly dying, and then I woke up! I was gasping for air after that. Some said if you died in your dreams, means you’re really dead? Is that true, I wonder… Today, I chit-chattering with Weeta… Let’s not talk about it here… Read her blog, if you wanna know and I do hope she’ll be alright. *HUGS* sayang! Kinda tired with all the office work today and I just wanna go home and rest. But then, I read Lala’s blog… She’s broken up with her boyfriend. So I guess I need to stay online at home, to know whether she’s ok or not.

I got home around 6pm, have a shower, and go online. Matthew love was there *SMILES* I would usually start our conversation by saying something silly, and he would “LOL” and “hey!” And here, in my room, I would imagine him chuckles and smiles… Then, a warm-fuzzy feeling would always come right after that. For a few second, it calms me down. All of my stress from work, it vanished in an instant. Oh how I love what he does to me… We talked, we had few normal arguments. He, not liking Myspace… me wanting more attention *BLEHH* Yes, yes, I can get pretty annoying at times… Only the strongest will survive! Ha-ha!

Talked to Lala, she was fine. Eventually, her boyfriend doesn’t wanna break up with her. I laughed when she told me that. Remembered the time when I was in high-school myself. Me and my ex, Naim… We coupled three times for three years. Funny when I think about it. Monkey love, you know… *CHUCKLES* Then she said she’d be right back; having herself a shower. And did you know who came in to chat with me after that? Lana! Lala’s sister. Been sooo freaking long I didn’t see her online in Myspace. More so, after she got engaged with her boyfriend and they promised not to online there anymore.

And she gave me 31 pictures of her and the “hantaran” on her engagement day. She asked me to edit them, whichever that would suit the best. This is seriously my first time of editing wedding-like pictures, and I don’t know what I’m doing, LOL! But here are some I did tonight *SMILES* do tell me what you think?




a bit too emo for an engagement picture? but i like it :D



and she is lovely :D


some of the hantaran that i manage to combine in one pic :D


This midnight; HAPPY 23RD BIRTHDAY TO NAZMY :) January 25, 2008

The Passion Fruits within Me January 16, 2008 |

And I was accused of lying. Yes, bombarded with Anne saying I’m a phony. Not directly but yeah… And again, I don’t blame her. Because as for now, I don’t care what Anne thinks of me. I know who I am, well enough. I’m not retarded or pathetically lonely. At least I’m sitting on top of this high, tall tower; looking down of what Riq’s theater is all about.

And as for yesterday, I have move on. *SMILING* Yes, yes… thanks to Anne who tells me the truth, thanks for Riq who cowardly backing off. I was almost become revengeful, which I am not and hopefully never will be. And to that I owe you, Azmir who was always there consulting me with everything since the very beginning. If true love was described as having someone to love, and once we’re in it; there’s a mixture of happiness, warmth-hearted inside and always there whenever needed thru joy and pain, then YES! You are a true love indeed. You have been more than just a lover; you have been a pain in the ass, and a friend too.

And there’s Matthew who always listened to me nagging… you never fails to make me smile and blush each time. And yes, we’re too far apart… but you know how I’m feeling for you, don’t you? And yes, it’s frustrating; the thought of us never gonna see each other, but knowing you that’s something I won’t ever regret in my life. *HUGS* baby! And you asked me how, yesterday… how could I be feeling for you? Just because you are you. You’re not perfect, so am I. Knowing the fact or not, you helped me a lot. Making me feel beautiful inside and out. Sharing my secrets, and still looks at me as me, myself. And every smiles that you saw when I’m with you, that’s true. That’s me, and you made me that way… so stop! Stop saying you got nothing, stop saying you’re ugly… coz I swear to you, YOU ARE NOT. You’re beautiful, darl *BLUSH*

And I have been starting every paragraph with an “and”. *ROFL* To Amie, could LOVE be the exact word meant for you? If so, I love you. Not in the sense of me wanting you to me mine, of course. But then again, I would gladly accept it! *LOL* [knocks me on the head] Ages we have known each other. All these things, it’s more than Love itself, wouldn’t you agree? We, our bond, it’s passed beyond all that. And though we seldom talked about feelings or any emotional problems, in which I know you gonna say that you don’t have one… You know what seems to troubling me, and you do things for me NOT to think of them. You know whenever I did the wrong things, choosing the wrong options, but there you are still… Watching me doing so, letting me learn what life really is. You’re like some sort of guardian to me, more than the “Alfie” that I used to know. And I’m glad to have you here, by my side. You’re the one I would race back home to, just for a calming hug… just for a kiss on the forehead, letting all my troubles to fade away. One of the pleasures in life in which; I am never willing to let go.

To my other close friends, Ayu, Mastura and Miza… I don’t talk a lot of my emotions to you. All I’m able to do is to write this blog, as for you guys to read it. To my Adek Ayam, Lala… I love you too. *WINK* someday, we’ll meet. That I can promise you, and may I remind you that you owe me a slice of Secret Recipe Choc Cake! *LOL* I know at times I may be tiring you all thru the year with my silly emotions and all… and I’m sorry. Just run to me whenever you’re in trouble for a payback of making my life miserable instead!

My apologies to Weeta, Asha, Andrew, Jules, Kel, Nazmy and to all my friends (sorry if I’ve forgotten you in the list). And thank you for sharing this ordeal with me. And thank you for the supports, loving words to make me smile, to make me better, to help me to move on. THANK YOU! Beck, thanks for guiding me. I looked upon you more than just a mentor; I look upon you like you’re my brother. There are times I slipped away, out of this Life’s imaginary boundaries… and there you are pulling me back on track. And to Shahrom, God knows how much I miss talking to you… you once was the antidote of everything. But we have to ter-fall in love, didn’t we? *LOL* well, you still brings the joy in me. Calling me early in the morning to disturb me sleeping is NOT GOOD! *POKE* ha-ha… We need to lepaking at DE as we did last year… pointless talking if FUN!

Nabil, I still want you to burn that house! Ha-ha! Naah, thanks for making me laugh... and listening, yeah.. Ouh! And i do wanna hear that sad song too! Give em to me!! *GRINS*

And last fact of the day; I CAN FINALLY SMILE :D

Not So ‘Happy’ New Year [P2] January 10, 2008 |


2nd of January, 2008. I insisted him to talk. Startle. I hate someone startling. Its either they’re telling lies, or did something wrong. In his case; BOTH. Here’s how our conversation when through…

Me: Ok sayang, just tell me…

Riq: I, I donno how to say this… I…

Me: Just tell me, sayang… I think I can handle this… Try me! If you’re not telling, it’s gonna make mad even more so.

Riq: Erm… Ok, few weeks back I went out like always. Picking Deela up. Then Deela ask me, wanna bring Anne along? Then I ok aje lah. We went to pick Anne at her house.

Me: Hurm… Ok, then?

Riq: Then pulang around 5am gitu, I send Deela home. After that baru hantar Anne pulak. Erm… then when we infront her house, Anne kissed me.

Me: Anne kissed you? Hurm… Ok, did you kissed her back?

Riq: Ape aje!

Me: Did you kiss her back? You, a pretty girl kisses you… you kiss her back tak? You should la sayang…

Riq: No, I don’t la… argghh! Semua ni pun I lagi confuse. And you! You should be mad right now. And why aren’t you? Ok, I lagi takut macam ni… You should be mad right now.

Me: I donno. I’m not that surprise, maybe. Nothing you do surprise me anymore sayang. Not after all the things happened last year. I donno… It seems that I can take all of these. Sambung balik, then, how is she? Ape you buat after that?

Riq: Ermm… I push her slowly then told her it was late, she should get home. Then she pulang, I pun pulang to my house la.

Me: What happen after that? Did she call you? I told you before kan, sayang. I told she gonna fall for you. You’ve been so nice to her and all, she got problems with her boyfriend and there you are for her…

Riq: YOOU!! I biasa-biasa saje dengan she. We don’t even talk bout this emotion thingy. We talk hours and hours of general stuffy aje! Sayang, I donno what to do… *sigh* Tell me what to do, sayang…

Me: You, seriously… Do you like her? Ok, let me talk to you as a friend yeah… If you like her, then ok la. But if you don’t, tell her. You jangan nak sakitkan hati orang lain pulak, sayang. She’s young. Then with her boyfriend lagi macam tue, now she likes you… If you seriously don’t like her, tell her! You need to tell her sayang, things like this, you cannot leave hanging, it gives her hope. Ok?

Riq: Hurmm… seriously you, I donno what happened. Gosh!

Me: Relax la sayang, you tak kena marah with me pun… Yang you nak worried nape?

Riq: All these la, it just happened you know. And you seems can take it. This is not right.

Me: Sayang, did you notice the whole year you put me through? I’ve been sad the whole year sayang… You really want me to start this year being sad juga ke? I can take this, don’t you worry. If you said she kisses you and you don’t kiss her back, then it’s fine. Just that whatever thingy you wanna tell her, you like her or not, tell her now. Don’t let her wait. Tak baik buat orang camtu. Sakit dia nanti.

Riq: Ermm… Ok sayang, I will.


And with that, we said our goodnight as usual. And I love you as usual. I sleep, and in my sleep I think that everything is gonna be alright…

Not So ‘Happy’ New Year [P1] January 09, 2008 |


*Breath deeply* I have loss the will to write. And this took me 5 minutes to even tap on a letter. I’m feeling low; down actually. Yes, I should have written my feelings sooner. Erm, when it was all fresh in my mind. Nonetheless, it doesn’t change the fact that all these, these, these calamities happens. I guess most of my close friends know what have happened to me. Thank you for calming me down. Thank you for giving me all the support and advices. There are those who didn’t know yet, and I owe them explanations since I told them I would.

So here it goes. He cheated on me. Yes, CHEATED. And by “he”, I mean Rafiq. It started when I got an e-mail from someone. Still, I don’t know who he/she is. A picture of him with a woman. I would RATHER see him and Juju coz it’s gonna make sense. But not this; I don’t know who she is. He was sort of biting her right cheek. Gosh, how would you handle this situation? Starting there since, each time we talked on the phone, I would end our conversation with “Sayang, do you have something to say to me? Something you wanna tell me…?” And every single question is answered by a long, “Ermmmmmmmm…” and, “no, no, nopee… I don’t think so. Nope, nothing to tell.”

Few days before New Year, he acted strangely. Ah! Now he calls. I mean, he calls… A LOT, this time. I know he wanted to say something to me, but I think he’s thinking the way to put them. Nicely. That’s how it is to him mostly, even if he had a bad day, tomorrow’s gonna be a happy one – though he has to pretend to be. And so, I waited.