Here I am, as I predicted; in my room writing another entry of my blog. I just got back from dinner with my bestie, Amie. Yes, there’s few people I know ask me to join them today on the so-called “New year’s Eve” celebration. Well, usually I don’t go even if I can. I can’t see the point of it. Now I only got a few minutes to list down my new year’s resolution. So, here it goes!
- To be HAPPY and getting rid off any sorts of elements that makes me UNHAPPY, and yes, this implied to HUMAN as well.
- To be a tad optimistic about myself. And bear in mind that people are not perfect. And it’s not MY FAULT things happen that way. Well, not ALWAYS.
- To be freaking REALISTIC about life. I know the fact of real life, but I tend to dream more than that. And in the end, I would be the one who’s shattered into pieces. Yes, LESS WISHIN and HOPIN’.
- Being in love is hard, so yeah, I think I better start all over again. Men, Women, I am SINGLE and AVAILABLE physically (mentally, perhaps would take time). So yeah, DATE me! LOL!!
- Work harder and get more organized. Really need these things done! And at the end of this year, I’m gonna ask my boss for a raise!
- Always learn to clean up my room and do laundry more often. Gussy up myself more, coz I never know what the day would lead us to. *GRIN* (getting the hang of optimistic I guess).
- Learn more new things about PHOTOGRAPHY, PHOTOSHOPPING, plus DRAWING; and make use of the things that I bought CAMERA, LENS (thanks, Teddy), COLOUR PENCILS, DRAWING BLOCKS.
- READ all the books that I bought!!!! And I got 10 of them not read!
- WATCH all the DVD’s that I bought too!! Gosh, you don’t want me to name all of them! Too many!
- SETTLING debts! Yes, got few of them… sorry you guys. I’m trying here!
- MANAGE a better financial account for myself! I want to prove to my bestie that I can do this!
- Thru all the hard work, camera-whoring, dating, I still hope I still am BELLA; and in LOVE with MYSELF. And still remembers who I really am, where I start off and people that help me along the way.
So those are my new year’s resolution. And next year at the same time and place, hopefully, we will do the same checklist whether or not I did all these things. And I promise, I won’t lie a bit! Last word, HAPPY NEW YEAR to all, and yes, may 2008 bring more the life in me!
So this is it. Tomorrow’s gonna be the last day of 2007. And what have I achieved so far? Let’s see… I know I got my own camera, new photography friends, and a job that pays the rent; apparently. And I made this blog of mine *SMILES* and people read it! Ha-ha! But, who am I to lie? You read how sucks my year went. Baah! And I am tired. I wish Time would just stop. I need to catch my breath.
What have I learned so far? Nazareth was right. Love Hurts! Toni B’s question would remain unsolved; how could an angel break my heart? And I’m still looking for someone to save me from myself. I know Aguilera’s found her Genie. Okay, I don’t know what to write anymore. I’m too depressing, even for myself. My bestie slaps me yesterday. Not slapping me literally, but with his words.
Amie: Ko nie knape B?
Me: Hurm, entah la… Aku stuck.
Amie: Dengan sape? Aku? (laughing). Si UK tue? Rafiq?
Me: Rafiq. Aku stuck dengan Rafiq.
Amie: Aku rasa Rafiq tue bukan jantan la B. Tolak la sume benda yang dia tipu ko… Ko call dia pun, dia datang ke? Buang masa la B. Buang masa… Buang duit ko gak dok calling orang yang takkan datang.
Me: Dah tue, sape yang aku call leh datang camtu je B? Ko je la. Aku mane ramai kawan pun.
Amie: Ko dengan aku B, nak kata ape pun aku tak tau dah. Scandal? Tak pun. Aku takde consider ko nie scandal aku. Tapi ko tengok aku datang lepak dengan ko. Seminggu brape kali aku lepak dengan ko? Temankan ko? Aku dengan kerja aku, dengan pompuan-pompuan lain yang aku dating lagi, pun ade masa temankan ko.
Me: (Quiet)
Amie: Ko nak tau ape aku pikir? Despite yang aku rasa si Rafiq nie penipu? Cuba la satu hari nanti si UK tue dok Malaysia balik, for good… Pastu ko pegi balik kat dia, ko rasa Rafiq buat ape? Aku rasa Rafiq BUAT BODOH je! Dia tak kisah pun B.
Me: (Quiet)
Amie: Nak tak nak pun, aku tau ko agree dengan ape aku cakap B. Kan? Betul tak ape aku cakap?
Me: (Speechless)
Amie: Aku rasa kalau si UK tue balik, ko eventually pegi kat dia. Rafiq tue aku rasa cam rebound je. Infact aku rasa si UK tue lagi bagus la B.
Me: B!! *sigh* dah la tue. Ko tau, dulu si Azmir ingat dia rebound ko. Ha-ha!
Amie: Ape pasal lak? Ah! Skarang nie, ape yang aku nak cakap, benda-benda yang aku ajar ko dulu, ko tak buat dah. Ko cam budak yang blajar tak abis. Separuh jalan sume pun.
Me: B, aku boleh je nak buat cam ko ajar tue. Masalahnya hati aku ni bkan kering cam ko. Dulu yer la aku jadi cam ko kejap. Right now aku tak boleh. Pastu aku takde orang nak talk to.
Amie: Cakap je la ngan aku.
Me: Tak boleh la bongok!! Aku tak boleh cakap emotional thingy dengan ko! Nanti ko pukul pale aku!
Amie: Ko pun ketuk pale aku ape?!
Me: Ahh! Aku cakap tak boleh, tak boleh la, bodoh!! PUKI!!
Amie: Hahahahahaha~!
And then his brother shows up. It was that. Just that. And it hit me hard. The thought that he wouldn’t care. And if I was missing even for a day, he wouldn’t call me or wonder where I’ve gone. A year and a month it has been now. Would it be ending soon? Would I somehow break out of this, this…? I don’t know.
“Tomorrow, we’ll have our New Year’s Resolutions, won’t we, Bella?”
Yes, we will. And I want to try to stick with it. Remind me not to live a year without one. THIS is the result of it. THIS! (Yerp, somehow I didn’t make any resolution this year… and my life trembling down! Baah!!)
And yet again, made me believe what December told me yesterday. This month of the year was sadder than before. Usually, I would wake up at 7.30am with Accidentally in Love (Shrek OST) phone alarm. But not today *sigh*. This morning, 6.45am, I heard Boston by Augustana. It’s a message from Beck Zaidan, a friend of mine. And I was blank whilst I was reading it.* * *
"Kawan-kawan, ayah aku baru meninggal dunia pagi tadi, dalam tidur. Tolong war-warkan kepada kawan-kawan yang lain, dan minta sedekahkan Al-Fatihah kepada arwah agar semuanya berjalan lancar. Aku bingung”
* * *
I read it twice, disbelieve somehow. I just read his blog yesterday and wishing his father would be back in good condition. But, God love him more. I replied to his message. What else could I offer? Just a “hang in there” word. I really do hope he would be fine. At least, soon, I guess. I know deep inside he will. Though I knew him for less than 3 months, but he’s been good to me. As a mentor, a friend and a somebody to talk gibberish with. And thru few words of wisdom he threw on me, all the advices he been given to me, I believe he’s a strong man.
I went to his blog as soon as I got to the office. Friends sent condolences, asking him to have patience in heart, recite al-Fatihah to the departed. I too, send my condolence again in his blog, and posted a bulletin in Myspace. *AL-FATIHAH*
All of these make me wonder about life even more. How am I to live without my parents and take care of my brother and sister? Mother always told me not to cry whenever someone died. It’s a torment to the departed soul. I didn’t cry when one of my little baby sister died, so does my grandparents, and few of my friends where back when I was studying. Then again, I was never putted them close to my heart. What if someone I really cared, gone, forever? Could I obey a mother’s word; not to cry?
