Two-O-o-Eight, Flying High?

Here I am, as I predicted; in my room writing another entry of my blog. I just got back from dinner with my bestie, Amie. Yes, there’s few people I know ask me to join them today on the so-called “New year’s Eve” celebration. Well, usually I don’t go even if I can. I can’t see the point of it. Now I only got a few minutes to list down my new year’s resolution. So, here it goes!

• To be HAPPY and getting rid off any sorts of elements that makes me UNHAPPY, and yes, this implied to HUMAN as well.
• To be a tad optimistic about myself. And bear in mind that people are not perfect. And it’s not MY FAULT things happen that way. Well, not ALWAYS.
• To be freaking REALISTIC about life. I know the fact of real life, but I tend to dream more than that. And in the end, I would be the one who’s shattered into pieces. Yes, LESS WISHIN and HOPIN’.
• Being in love is hard, so yeah, I think I better start all over again. Men, Women, I am SINGLE and AVAILABLE physically (mentally, perhaps would take time). So yeah, DATE me! LOL!!
• Work harder and get more organized. Really need these things done! And at the end of this year, I’m gonna ask my boss for a raise!
• Always learn to clean up my room and do laundry more often. Gussy up myself more, coz I never know what the day would lead us to. *GRIN* (getting the hang of optimistic I guess).
• Learn more new things about PHOTOGRAPHY, PHOTOSHOPPING, plus DRAWING; and make use of the things that I bought CAMERA, LENS (thanks, Teddy), COLOUR PENCILS, DRAWING BLOCKS.
• READ all the books that I bought!!!! And I got 10 of them not read!
• WATCH all the DVD’s that I bought too!! Gosh, you don’t want me to name all of them! Too many!
• SETTLING debts! Yes, got few of them… sorry you guys. I’m trying here!
• MANAGE a better financial account for myself! I want to prove to my bestie that I can do this!
• Thru all the hard work, camera-whoring, dating, I still hope I still am BELLA; and in LOVE with MYSELF. And still remembers who I really am, where I start off and people that help me along the way.
  

So those are my new year’s resolution. And next year at the same time and place, hopefully, we will do the same checklist whether or not I did all these things. And I promise, I won’t lie a bit! Last word, HAPPY NEW YEAR to all, and yes, may 2008 bring more the life in me!

Two-O-o-Seven Recap

So this is it. Tomorrow’s gonna be the last day of 2007. And what have I achieved so far? Let’s see… I know I got my own camera, new photography friends, and a job that pays the rent; apparently. And I made this blog of mine *SMILES* and people read it! Ha-ha! But, who am I to lie? You read how sucks my year went. Baah! And I am tired. I wish Time would just stop. I need to catch my breath.

What have I learned so far? Nazareth was right. Love Hurts! Toni B’s question would remain unsolved; how could an angel break my heart? And I’m still looking for someone to save me from myself. I know Aguilera’s found her Genie. Okay, I don’t know what to write anymore. I’m too depressing, even for myself. My bestie slaps me yesterday. Not slapping me literally, but with his words.

Amie: Ko nie knape B?
Me: Hurm, entah la… Aku stuck.
Amie: Dengan sape? Aku? (laughing). Si UK tue? Rafiq?
Me: Rafiq. Aku stuck dengan Rafiq.
Amie: Aku rasa Rafiq tue bukan jantan la B. Tolak la sume benda yang dia tipu ko… Ko call dia pun, dia datang ke? Buang masa la B. Buang masa… Buang duit ko gak dok calling orang yang takkan datang.
Me: Dah tue, sape yang aku call leh datang camtu je B? Ko je la. Aku mane ramai kawan pun.
Amie: Ko dengan aku B, nak kata ape pun aku tak tau dah. Scandal? Tak pun. Aku takde consider ko nie scandal aku. Tapi ko tengok aku datang lepak dengan ko. Seminggu brape kali aku lepak dengan ko? Temankan ko? Aku dengan kerja aku, dengan pompuan-pompuan lain yang aku dating lagi, pun ade masa temankan ko.
Me: (Quiet)
Amie: Ko nak tau ape aku pikir? Despite yang aku rasa si Rafiq nie penipu? Cuba la satu hari nanti si UK tue dok Malaysia balik, for good… Pastu ko pegi balik kat dia, ko rasa Rafiq buat ape? Aku rasa Rafiq BUAT BODOH je! Dia tak kisah pun B.
Me: (Quiet)
Amie: Nak tak nak pun, aku tau ko agree dengan ape aku cakap B. Kan? Betul tak ape aku cakap?
Me: (Speechless)
Amie: Aku rasa kalau si UK tue balik, ko eventually pegi kat dia. Rafiq tue aku rasa cam rebound je. Infact aku rasa si UK tue lagi bagus la B.
Me: B!! *sigh* dah la tue. Ko tau, dulu si Azmir ingat dia rebound ko. Ha-ha!
Amie: Ape pasal lak? Ah! Skarang nie, ape yang aku nak cakap, benda-benda yang aku ajar ko dulu, ko tak buat dah. Ko cam budak yang blajar tak abis. Separuh jalan sume pun.
Me: B, aku boleh je nak buat cam ko ajar tue. Masalahnya hati aku ni bkan kering cam ko. Dulu yer la aku jadi cam ko kejap. Right now aku tak boleh. Pastu aku takde orang nak talk to.
Amie: Cakap je la ngan aku.
Me: Tak boleh la bongok!! Aku tak boleh cakap emotional thingy dengan ko! Nanti ko pukul pale aku!
Amie: Ko pun ketuk pale aku ape?!
Me: Ahh! Aku cakap tak boleh, tak boleh la, bodoh!! PUKI!!
Amie: Hahahahahaha~!

And then his brother shows up. It was that. Just that. And it hit me hard. The thought that he wouldn’t care. And if I was missing even for a day, he wouldn’t call me or wonder where I’ve gone. A year and a month it has been now. Would it be ending soon? Would I somehow break out of this, this…? I don’t know.

“Tomorrow, we’ll have our New Year’s Resolutions, won’t we, Bella?”

Yes, we will. And I want to try to stick with it. Remind me not to live a year without one. THIS is the result of it. THIS! (Yerp, somehow I didn’t make any resolution this year… and my life trembling down! Baah!!)

Something to Be or Not To Be

And who are we supposed to be? A person who never wanted to know what it feels to be a grown-up? A student who quit studying coz she never want to know whether or not she could cope with everything that’s comes rolling to her? A romantic dreamer who sucks as a lover? Who are we actually? And do we have the chance to choose? Do we have the guts to prove?

Constantly, people ask questions to find an answer. Why this, why that. How and what. Who, in most cases. But do we have the answers to all the things we’re looking for? Or we grasped something more to it? To find clarity. Which at some point we reached a state that; for once, we feel like stopping. The very dot that we feel like it’s useless. And there’s no perfect reason of trying anymore.

Who are the people that would be there for you whenever you stranded there? Who are the people that would always support you, asking you again and again to try a little tad harder? Or you’re there alone, watching everything kept on moving, as it’s supposed to – and in a way opened up an idea that somehow, THE WORLD DOESN’T CARE IF YOU’RE STOP MOVING. It doesn’t make any difference whether or not you’re there. You’re just another nobody, who you thought to yourself, you are SOMEBODY. Or far enough, becoming one. *SIGH*

To be, or not to be; that is the question. And yes, we get lost along the highway. There are signs telling us which way we should and should not go. There are obstacles that stopping us to be there. And there are choices to be made, options to choose, points to be taken. Some things we could be proud of down the way, some are not even wise to be brought up. Yes, we’re mere human who do and did mistakes. And a way to make us more HUMAN, is trying to learn, though every so often we can’t be able to fix it up.

And to those who knows me well, believe me when I say, “I am not strong.” Perhaps to some, I am strong coz I faced few dark times in my life and I survived. Well, it took something out of me. Just that I am not able to say what it is that have been taken. Funny when I think about it. I am not perfect. Nobody is. Feeling something a part of you is missing, that’s normal. I know it is. At least we all felt it once. At least. And I shouldn’t be so dramatize about it. But yeah, this is my blog. And I can write anything that I feel, anything I want, anything I choose to.

And I think, this is all for now, LOL! I got to burn few DVDs to empty-up my disk space so I could install any games without them being stuck whilst I’m on it. And yeah, I can see that few fellows who read this piece of junk here and worry about me and asking me to stop thinking bout all these crappy feelings. Well guys, I can’t. It comes and goes whether I like it or not. And each time they come, it wants MORE! It creep the hell out of me. Yeah, right!

Leaving Tonight?

And he said, “Ouh! Are you leaving tonight? Where are you going?” I know he didn’t need any serious answer for that. Coz he listened to the background music at the end of mine. “Leaving Tonight” by Ne-yo featuring Jennifer Hudson. But somehow, I did give a few quiet moments to that particular question.

I don’t know where to go anymore. I’m stuck. Not that I hate it, but yeah, I’m stuck. Ok, fine! Perhaps I’m too deeply in love? Which makes whoever that sent me messages in my mobile, took a few days for me to even reply to them. And at other cases, I don’t even reply. Funny… one of them, my Friendster friend, Ice, just sent me a message online. Pissed-off with me, since he had this “hunch” about me won’t be replying or answering his calls. Sorry, my dear… I’m not being myself lately… for a year to be honest. Baah!

Things between me and Riq are as same as usual. Arguing level – moderate. Vocal transmission – moderate. Bonding together non-verbally – almost none. Which all of these tend to drive me nuts and cranky at weekends. Ha-ha! Today everything is moving slowly. Not much work. Few accounting thingy and I’m done. Thought my boss went home just now, but he came back! SUCKS! Ha-ha! Tomorrow’s gonna be the last day of work this week. Thursday would be Eidul Adha. And then I’m off till Christmas. Yay!

I’m supposed to do few submission in DeviantArt, a club-id submission, a Christmas tree (ala Tim Burton) submission and few of my own photograph that I took on the weekend AND last weekend. LOL! Gosh, last night I slept around 9 pm. I donno what came into me, but I’m soo freaking tired. Ah! Well, hope I’m not gonna waste my time sleeping tonight.

Who wanna come over tonight? Lets, lets!

Commiseration to a Friend

And yet again, made me believe what December told me yesterday. This month of the year was sadder than before. Usually, I would wake up at 7.30am with Accidentally in Love (Shrek OST) phone alarm. But not today *sigh*. This morning, 6.45am, I heard Boston by Augustana. It’s a message from Beck Zaidan, a friend of mine. And I was blank whilst I was reading it.

* * *

"Kawan-kawan, ayah aku baru meninggal dunia pagi tadi, dalam tidur. Tolong war-warkan kepada kawan-kawan yang lain, dan minta sedekahkan Al-Fatihah kepada arwah agar semuanya berjalan lancar. Aku bingung”

* * *

I read it twice, disbelieve somehow. I just read his blog yesterday and wishing his father would be back in good condition. But, God love him more. I replied to his message. What else could I offer? Just a “hang in there” word. I really do hope he would be fine. At least, soon, I guess. I know deep inside he will. Though I knew him for less than 3 months, but he’s been good to me. As a mentor, a friend and a somebody to talk gibberish with. And thru few words of wisdom he threw on me, all the advices he been given to me, I believe he’s a strong man.

I went to his blog as soon as I got to the office. Friends sent condolences, asking him to have patience in heart, recite al-Fatihah to the departed. I too, send my condolence again in his blog, and posted a bulletin in Myspace. *AL-FATIHAH*

All of these make me wonder about life even more. How am I to live without my parents and take care of my brother and sister? Mother always told me not to cry whenever someone died. It’s a torment to the departed soul. I didn’t cry when one of my little baby sister died, so does my grandparents, and few of my friends where back when I was studying. Then again, I was never putted them close to my heart. What if someone I really cared, gone, forever? Could I obey a mother’s word; not to cry?

Merry Marry Me?

It’s the season to be JOLLY!

“Hello, December! Looking frostily I see… Must be the snowflakes! Christmas-spirited are you?” I greet him with a cheeky face. December nods. I thought he would be happy, but gently his smile fades away. I patted his shoulder, “…are you alright, my dear?” I asked. “Not really…” he said. “…too many people aren’t happy this month of the year…” he continues. “Baah! Don’t blame yourself, darling… People are living their life, problems come and go, now, hush…” I whispered to him and planted a kiss on his forehead.

December supposed to be a great month, right? There’s the Christmas holiday, Eidul Adha, upcoming New Year, Thanksgiving… but yeah, some of my friends aren’t that happy and it makes me tad sad. Not to mention myself too. Ha-ha! I am NOT happy for a couple of months. Well, people had their days, and I got mine. Goodie thing is, we’re still alive and able to fake a smile.

Perhaps because of all these holidays, we tend to feel lonelier than before, all mushy inside; a tiny souvenir from the holiday itself. What is holiday when we have to go thru with it ALONE, no? But think again, it’s kinda weird when we’re able to go thru every single-non-holiday-day single-handedly but not on these time of the year? Heh! I even hate myself for this. This year almost ended. Too many things happened to me, my life and my heart. Been tore apart, mended and he tears it back. YES, I am weary indeed inside. Too weary to go thru… but yeah, this stubborn chubby girl is here still. I’m expecting nothing now; since seeding expectations, wishes and dreams might lead into another soul-torment!

I just wanna wish my darling Weeta, Happy Birthday! Which falls on the 20th of December; one month apart from mine. *Hugs*. Be happy, girl… and you know I’ll be there, even for a second whenever you need someone to share to. And to all, Merry Christmas! Gosh, I love Christmas!! Remind me to buy at least a snowflake ornament like I always did *smiles*

And all I want for Christmas is YOU!