I Realize [Part II]

Whenever we’re on a date (which is countable!), I always feel as though he's analyzing every part of me, from the shift of my eyes, to the way I sit, the way I bite my lip, the way I fidget with my fingers, the way I walk and the way I speak. I’m afraid he will see through me; he will pierce through my thin masquerade. And definitely, my last face-to-face conversation with him made me think of something particularly important!

Knowing the fact that he already pierced through my thin masquerade – I guess. It scares me at first, but he assured me. “If it’s something bad, I won’t be here wouldn’t I?” Not knowing what he thinks of me, somehow I just need to trust myself. Eh! It’s almost 2 a.m. and my eyes are ‘half-awake’. Ha-ha!

No matter how annoying it has been, I accepted it with an open heart, because under the surface of nonchalance, I still care for him. Deeply care for him. As for this very moment, I am happy with the choice I made. To wait for him; once and for all – killing all the ‘what if’ questions that probably would flicker through this head of mine!

What ever happens next, my darling Riq, forget you I will not, call me stubborn or stupid, but I won’t. Because I know; to pretend is the worst crime to commit... No matter how far you try to drive me, no matter what you do to test my love for you, I love you and will always love you... Why? Because my heart has been tried out by fire and came out stronger, that’s why. Enough said.



Just promise me that nothing can take you away from me.

I Realize [Part I]

“In this life, silence is my solace, and my solace lives in silence.”

Well, that is what I thought when I tend to think of what is the BEST for me. But somehow, there stood LOVE. Warmth fills your heart; calmness lurks thru your soul when you look into their eyes. Yes, indeed I have love and be loved. It has to be the best feeling ever a person should felt at least once in a lifetime.

I am precarious. Oh, let me rephrase it for you. Indecisive. Yes, uncertain or unable to make up one’s mind. That’s me. And I realize that secretly I’ve been hurting others with my act of ambiguity. To top it up, I’m forgetful. So can you imagine me saying things today not recall it the day after and end up saying another deliberation? Well, that is how I hurt others. Then again, pardon me for being that way... though I can’t remember well what I said; I don’t lie about my feelings!

To know Riq, I’m elated. I see him as my own reflection. He owns half of my persona. God has His mysterious methods in showing ways for us to achieve great understanding in life.

And they say a woman is capricious and fickle, but I find that statement lacking truth, especially if you know a man as erratic as Riq, son of Mr. Farouk! I swear, the man shifts whichever way and I’m left dumbfounded. (Well, that is his behavior towards me... might act differently on others!) Thanks to him, I now know the feeling of pain I caused accidentally at most times. I now aware, it’s tiring to love someone as faltering as me.

But that is just not the only reason I adore him, of course. He is partly I’m not, but always wanted to be. Despite his ability to make me constantly irritated, well that’s for sure! As Simon Green quoted,

“That's just it; she's everything I'm not.

You know, she's my other half.
Without her I'm not whole."

“You know the thing about meeting your other half
is you're walking around, you think you're happy,
you think you're whole,
then you realize you ain't shit without her.
Then you can't go back to being just a half
'cause you know what it's like to be whole.”

Perhaps he doesn’t see what I see, and he will never agree to what I am saying here, but these are MY thoughts, not his. I see what you don’t see, my darling, so just trust me when I say this.

All Over Again

“Good morning :) I dream of u... Am not gonna tell u what’s it’s about... First of all I love u! I want another chance, another shot at loving u... I’ve been so stupid and realize that to let u go is not an option... The idea of u being with someone else other than me, should never happen... Again am gonna say I love u! Give me chance, am gonna make it right this time...”


I was smiling broadly. That’s what he said to me few days ago. Owh! Pardon me, he text me actually. And I think I’m terribly predictable to you guys who read my blog. The only reason why ‘indecisiveness’ won’t leave me… Because I am ONE. I did not say that I forgive and forget. I did not say that I’m the person to lick what they spit. It’s just that, perhaps… Could be… Am I?

Up till today, he did show some love to me. Appreciate me, always asking about me… The side that once, I could only wish he showed. Somehow, when I’ve stop wishing, it come tumbling down… And I was there to grasp it, for how long – that, I do not know. Well, yes… He’s still the one I knew before, but with a little more of sweetness.

When all of you decide to post a comment on this blog, just say what you wanted to say. Just write it down. Just tell me, am I stupid or am I too patiently in love with him? I rarely think about the future. I do what I think I want to do. I do what I think I’m supposed to do. But the problem is, I got choices. And I suck in choosing the right choice. Ha-ha!

I’m waiting for what your responses on this. At least I could accept those advices and keep it in this empty head of mine. A month or two of waiting couldn’t be that hurtful, could it?