Flying, Soaring – Away!
"Do you know what it feels like loving someone
that's in a rush to throw you away?"
Out from that new catchy song from Enrique, Do You Know – there’s a pain struck down upon me when I realise the lyrics in it. Yes, I do know what it feels like. Few times eventually. And yet again, here I am still. I know I haven’t be writing for a few days. Even when I got the time during my weekends. Just been doing some thinking. A deep one, to be specific.
Silly little heart of mine wanting to stay and wait for a spark of miracle to happen. But, wait no longer; I supposed. I have decided to move on. How later in life I might be more sad, I know I have made a right decision. I rather to hurt myself alone than having the cause of hurting because of someone else. So, lovely heart of mine, do remember this; because I won’t say it again… “Heart, did I told you before to stop wishing upon the stars? They are dying, for god’s sake!” LOL!
At this very moment, 11:54am, a message been sent to Riq. Wrote, “Sayang, I’m going.” I feel a lighter me deep inside. Am I content with my choice? Perhaps. Wow, 11:56am he replied, “Ok.” Bella, are you crying? No, just speechless. Ha-ha. No goodbyes, thank yous or anything. Now I have the feeling of hateful. A hateful feeling for him… Am I what I think I am? Owh, you don’t have to know what I’m thinking right now. Just be happy for the choice I have made. And I know I am right, this time!
Owh, how I wish I could say the things Iris said to Jesper! Which goes like this… Ha-ha! And yes, I am making an effort to write this down.
“Shush. You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault,
my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you,
so I just punished myself!”
“Somehow newly entitles me to say, it's over.
This - This twisted, toxic THING between us is finally finished!
I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living.”
Let’s fly away! Soaring between those fluffy white clouds… Hoping to be miraculously happy without having to kill those stars by wishing upon them!
Goodnight, Goodnight
“You left me hanging from a thread we once swung from together
I’ve lick my wounds but I can’t ever see them getting better
Something’s gotta change, Things cannot stay the same...
I’m sorry, I did not mean to hurt my little girl
It’s beyond me, I cannot carry the weight of the heavy world
So goodnight, hope that things work out all right…”
I don’t know what came up to me yesterday। I sort of wanting something even more complicated from Riq। Commitment; or maybe a complimentary ‘Hey!!-notice-me-I’m-here’ souvenir. Yes! He kills the patience out of me. Ah! But the ‘indecisive-me’ would forgive him and everything would be fine again~! That’s me, people!! And again, the reason why I created this blog, so that people who read the story of my life could at least give me advises. A thing or two that might change my indecisiveness.
I can’t sleep last night. Well, I did offline myself around 10.41 pm. Lying in the dark, try to shut my eyes; but I can’t. Been tossing and turning, changing CDs on my radio, pressing the remote every 5 seconds for a sad song for me to cry to. And there was none. So, I wearily get up, switch on my PC and burn myself a MP3. Took me an hour to choose songs and burn it. Lucky for me though, it does put me to sleep. Not to mention, crying myself to sleep, actually.
Lame old me. Whenever there’s a question about my hobby, I usually would include ‘crying’ in it. Indecisive, melancholic, ah! What else, I wonder. Darn, I need a shrink. Ha-ha! I’m hopelessly lonely and depressed! I want someone who is mine! All mine, always mine… anytime, every time… and it’s hard to find one right now. I know it’s too much to ask. But I really want it! Remember what Riq said before? What I really need is a husband… silly, when I’m begun to think of it. But, he’s got a point there!
Marry me, would you? Yes, I’m asking YOU~
I’ve lick my wounds but I can’t ever see them getting better
Something’s gotta change, Things cannot stay the same...
I’m sorry, I did not mean to hurt my little girl
It’s beyond me, I cannot carry the weight of the heavy world
So goodnight, hope that things work out all right…”
I don’t know what came up to me yesterday। I sort of wanting something even more complicated from Riq। Commitment; or maybe a complimentary ‘Hey!!-notice-me-I’m-here’ souvenir. Yes! He kills the patience out of me. Ah! But the ‘indecisive-me’ would forgive him and everything would be fine again~! That’s me, people!! And again, the reason why I created this blog, so that people who read the story of my life could at least give me advises. A thing or two that might change my indecisiveness.
I can’t sleep last night. Well, I did offline myself around 10.41 pm. Lying in the dark, try to shut my eyes; but I can’t. Been tossing and turning, changing CDs on my radio, pressing the remote every 5 seconds for a sad song for me to cry to. And there was none. So, I wearily get up, switch on my PC and burn myself a MP3. Took me an hour to choose songs and burn it. Lucky for me though, it does put me to sleep. Not to mention, crying myself to sleep, actually.
Lame old me. Whenever there’s a question about my hobby, I usually would include ‘crying’ in it. Indecisive, melancholic, ah! What else, I wonder. Darn, I need a shrink. Ha-ha! I’m hopelessly lonely and depressed! I want someone who is mine! All mine, always mine… anytime, every time… and it’s hard to find one right now. I know it’s too much to ask. But I really want it! Remember what Riq said before? What I really need is a husband… silly, when I’m begun to think of it. But, he’s got a point there!
Marry me, would you? Yes, I’m asking YOU~
Endless Road to Nowhere~
“Who am I to you?” I remembered asking Riq this question. It’s a ‘killer’ one, I supposed. The kind of question you’ll be scared of answering if you are not certain about it. And he said vaguely, “I don’t know…”
True enough, I guess. I don’t know why I’m having this feeling of being a puppet on a string; and he’s the one who’s holding it. Not gripping it hard, just barely. Well enough for me not to go away. One thing I ‘admire’ him is the sense of him wondering away ALWAYS, but returning at the RIGHT time. One hell of a man – THAT is what you are Riq. Praise you!
Ash said to me quite a few times if I’m not mistaken, “He done all those things to you, make you sad… and there you are, STILL! If that is not LOVE, then what is it?" Here I am, writing right now and asking to you who read this… What is it? Is it Love? The only ‘other’ thing that I could think of is; quoted by Abigail Van Buren,
"While forbidden fruit is said to taste sweeter, it usually spoils faster."
Ah! A forbidden fruit did sound gay to describe Riq. But for now, let’s put it that way… ha-ha! I don’t know why, but Robert Frost’s poem did jumped in my thoughts too… `The Road Not Taken` - just in case all of you are wondering. So, did I take the road less traveled? An odd hunch keeps knocking at the door…
Telling me it’s an endless road leading to nowhere!
True enough, I guess. I don’t know why I’m having this feeling of being a puppet on a string; and he’s the one who’s holding it. Not gripping it hard, just barely. Well enough for me not to go away. One thing I ‘admire’ him is the sense of him wondering away ALWAYS, but returning at the RIGHT time. One hell of a man – THAT is what you are Riq. Praise you!
Ash said to me quite a few times if I’m not mistaken, “He done all those things to you, make you sad… and there you are, STILL! If that is not LOVE, then what is it?" Here I am, writing right now and asking to you who read this… What is it? Is it Love? The only ‘other’ thing that I could think of is; quoted by Abigail Van Buren,
"While forbidden fruit is said to taste sweeter, it usually spoils faster."
Ah! A forbidden fruit did sound gay to describe Riq. But for now, let’s put it that way… ha-ha! I don’t know why, but Robert Frost’s poem did jumped in my thoughts too… `The Road Not Taken` - just in case all of you are wondering. So, did I take the road less traveled? An odd hunch keeps knocking at the door…
Telling me it’s an endless road leading to nowhere!
Hollow ~!
Waking up in the morning and getting myself ready to work. For me, it’s just another typical day. The time seems to move rather slowly today! It’s only 4.30 pm and I’m stuck here doing almost nothing. Yes, there are works that ought to be done, but I’ve finished all of them before 3. And now there’s nothing to do here in the office. What a day!
Tonight, I need to have a good resting. Stay awake up till 2 am last night. And yes, I’ve indulge into few errands for my friends. Two page designing and one MP3 burning. Ah! My mouth always says things that I don’t really mean. Or maybe, I am bored at home doing nothing! Riq said once to me, “What you need is a husband! You really need a husband…” and ended his words with a big giggly laugh.
If you befriended me, you shall know what he means by that. Ha-ha! I’m the one who always loves to be alone. But at the same time sad about the same freaking reason! God knows how I enjoy spending my weekend crying in my room and listening to sad songs and imagining dramatic things that could happen to me. Call me a freak, a psycho. Well, maybe I am…
Tonight, I need to have a good resting. Stay awake up till 2 am last night. And yes, I’ve indulge into few errands for my friends. Two page designing and one MP3 burning. Ah! My mouth always says things that I don’t really mean. Or maybe, I am bored at home doing nothing! Riq said once to me, “What you need is a husband! You really need a husband…” and ended his words with a big giggly laugh.
If you befriended me, you shall know what he means by that. Ha-ha! I’m the one who always loves to be alone. But at the same time sad about the same freaking reason! God knows how I enjoy spending my weekend crying in my room and listening to sad songs and imagining dramatic things that could happen to me. Call me a freak, a psycho. Well, maybe I am…
**********
Tonight, I cried while singing to `You're My Everything` by Santa Esmeralda. There's nothing in my mind at that time, but somehow my voice started to tremble and a tear falls down. How many laughters burst thru me, how many smiles carved on this lip of mine... There's no doubt, I'm HOLLOW inside...
Is there anyone for me out there?
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